Melissa Stetten Has Breakup Advice

October 9, 2013 • Love & Sex

breakup

Let’s be honest, we’ve all been there- in that Lower East Side hotel room eating pizza at 9pm after a day of meetings at publishing houses trying to sell a book about how unfulfilling our modeling career is, when your boyfriend calls from London to break up with you. All of us have been there, right? RIGHT?!

That happened to me six months ago, and with the help of my friends (Lexapro and Wellbutrin) I feel more confident than ever. I literally cannot stop smiling. I’ve tried. It’s starting to hurt.

Anywho, here are some steps I took to get over my last boyfriend-I do not recommend doing any of these-give them a try!

1. FIND ANOTHER GUY IMMEDIATELY

You need attention, and you need it now. Change that Facebook status back to “single” and wait for those messages from dudes to roll in.

“How are you? I haven’t talked to you in a while, we should grab a drink!” Which translates to, “I’ve wanted to fuck you for a while, and now that you’re single I will pretend that I care about your feelings and offer to buy you alcohol so you’ll get drunk and have rebound sex with me.”  Take advantage of your situation and grab those free drinks, gurl!  Once at the bar, say things like, “I don’t want to be that girl who talks about her ex, but…” and then talk about your ex for an hour, guys LOVE that.  You’ll probably have too many drinks and end up sleeping with him anyway.  Always bring sunglasses.  You need to cover up your mascara-smeared hooker eyes while stopping for coffee on your walk of shame.

2. BUY $500 SHOES

Don’t look at your bank account because that will probably depress you even more.  Instead, look online for those bitchin’ Loeffler Randall boots you’ve bookmarked on Net-A-Porter. You’re too depressed to eat, so you can survive for a few weeks without those $12 organic beets from Whole Foods. Buying shoes to fill that gaping hole in your heart is exactly what you need right now.  Don’t let that hussy calling about your student loan payments get in the way of your materialistic needs.

So what if consumption unnecessarily complicates our lives and distracts us from more important things like meaningful experiences?  Those boots were made for stomping… all over your credit report. Heyo!

3. COMPARE YOURSELF TO HIS NEW GIRL

Check his Instagram and Facebook posts at least fifty times a day and make sure to post super hot selfies of yourself doing fun things. My pothead roommate once told me that revenge is the best success, and no, not the other way around.  Pretend like you’ve completely forgotten about him but get real pissed when you see pictures of his new girl on Instagram.  What a monster! Posting a photo of him kissing his new girl a month after a breakup is so insensitive, but now you can stalk her! Yay!  Google image search that home wrecker and physically compare yourself to her.  Find your most unflattering photo.  Remember: you’re only as attractive as your least attractive Facebook photo.

4. EAT AN ENTIRE CARTON OF SALTED CARAMEL ICE CREAM

Ice cream releases dopamine in your brain, which makes you feel happy and energized.  You know what else does that? Cocaine.  But if you do a bump while at a Yeah Yeah Yeahs concert you’ll most likely end up at an after party at 5am, hiding in the corner sending emails to your ex, telling him that you miss him. And you don’t. You-do-not.  This may or may not have happened to me.  On the bright side, if you look really distraught at a party, guys will definitely talk to you.  Hearing, “You are way too pretty to be sad” will make you feel better for at least fifteen minutes.

5. SLEEP 12 HOURS A DAY

When you’re sleeping, you’re not thinking about how lonely you are.  Sleep is totally undervalued. Make sure to buy really dark curtains for your bedroom so it’s always nighttime.  That way, the stress of worrying about finding another guy who doesn’t mind you putting zit cream on before bed won’t plague your thoughts 24 hours a day.  You think Sleeping Beauty got a prescription for Retin-A cream? That pasty-ass blonde Disney bimbo got her beauty rest and she ended up marrying Prince Phillip. Who doesn’t want a husband that looks like a gay Ryan Reynolds in a Napoleon costume?

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