After a week of texting cute things like “can’t wait to hang” or “just thinkin bout u,” the time has come for the first date with that dude you met on the internet. Your initial thought isn’t “I can’t wait to discuss obscure French new wave movies in person,” it’s “OMG WHAT DO I WEAR?!?!” Settle down, don’t make this harder than it should be. Put on your new TopShop skirt, your favorite boots, and a cute jacket. Don’t forget to put your mace into that bootlegged Chanel purse you bought from a guy named Sparky on Canal Street (true story). You don’t want to be the next victim of the “but he was so normal” serial killer feigning as Cara Delevingne’s eyebrows on Twitter.
So, the date was a success! You are one step closer to experiencing imminent heartbreak once again… I mean finding the man of your dreams. I hate first dates. The only way I can tolerate the getting-to-know-you bullshit is with alcohol and anti-anxiety pills. You’re not supposed to mix the two? But I have so much nervous energy that only a horse tranquilizer could fade my neuroticism to the speed of a DJ Screw Tape. Anyway, you like this guy, a lot. You’ve already imagined what your children will look like, and if you’ll keep your last name after the wedding in Paris. Now comes the bigger challenge: not looking like a needy psycho. Here are tips to not scare him off:
1. Don’t freak out if he doesn’t return your texts.
He liked the Instagram photo of your cat drinking water but he still hasn’t returned your text after 3 hours. Who the HELL does he think he is, Channing F-ING Tatum? Relax, he’s probably busy working or making out with another girl. Wait what? Another girl? Yeah I said it. Don’t think you’re the only female in his life, because you’re probably not. Deal with it sister. Absolutely do not text things like “u don’t like me anymore? :(“ or “are u too busy to text me back?” Just put your goddamn phone down. If he wants to hang out again he will let you know. Don’t force something that’s not there. Maybe that’s why I’m single? I ignore him, which makes him think I don’t like him, so he ignores me then it turns into a giant circle of ignoring. Sorry, Trent, if you’re reading this text me, k?
2. Make him a mixtape.
If I make you a mixtape, you better know I’m not fucking around. I’m not handing those things out like hustlers in Times Square slanging rap CDs to white tourists. I’ve made less than 10 mixtapes for guys I had crushes on. If any of those guys are reading this too- Hi! How are you? What are you up to? Oh you’re married now? Cool, well if you get divorced let me know! Xoxo. The songs you put on this mix are important. You want to make yourself look smart and hip. Delete that Counting Crows song and replace it with something more obscure. Instead of putting LCD Soundsystem’s Dance Yrself Clean on the mix, use some Natalia Kills. Yeah, it’s fucked up shit about daddy and whatnot, but guys love women with a dangerous past. I swear.
3. Pretend that you’re busy all the time.
We both know that you’re home every night eating almond butter on toast awaiting his text. But he doesn’t have to know that! When he does text, wait at least an hour to reply. Don’t accept every invitation to hang out. You want HIM to miss YOU. If you really have nothing going on that night, make something up. “I would love to go to your movie premiere but I told my friend I’d see his band at the Troubadour.” If he asks what band, make up a name. “Oh, they’re called Habitual Skeleton, super indie and up-and-coming.”
Good luck hoochies!