Melissa Stetten’s Dealbreakers

October 22, 2013 • Love & Sex

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I don’t have time to date idiots, and I definitely don’t have time to be in a relationship with an idiot.  No self-respecting girl should have to deal with a man who doesn’t treat her like she is the greatest thing to ever happen to him. A few months ago I met a guy who was over-the-top nice… for the first two weeks.  He quickly turned into an insecure egotistical monster.  He criticized my writing and would say demeaning things about my jokes on twitter.  I received texts like, “What’s wrong with you?  My friends are going to think you’re talking about me.” And “If I was your boyfriend, all your silly look-at-me chick shit wouldn’t end up online to embarrass me.” And my favorite (which he texted me the same night my grandfather died), “Women tell me I’m a catch, I have a line of girls waiting for me, go ahead and fuck those twitter comedians who don’t know how to act like a real man.”

I could write about that emotionally abusive idiot for hours, but I’ll save it for another time.  His insecurity was just one of many off-putting elements that turned me against him.  I’d much rather hang out with a “twitter comedian” than some unemployed miserable actor who takes out his anger on unsuspecting young women.

I need to do some yoga to lower my blood pressure.  Okay, I’m back.

Aside from insecurity, here are some things that women should not have to deal with in relationships:


Jealousy over ex-boyfriends

There’s a reason they are called exes.  I don’t expect my boyfriend to be 100% comfortable with the past men in my life, but they should respect that I’m still in contact with a few of them.  I’ve never broken up with a guy and got back together with him.  I do still care about some of them and have a genuine interest in their lives.  There’s no reason to freak out when you see a text that my ex sent of his new kitten.  It’s harmless.  This may sound a tad hypocritical because women freak the fuck out if they see their man texting with an ex. We can’t help it.  We’re predisposed to jealousy.  It’s in our blood.  When that happens, guys, just reassure us that nothing’s going on. It’ll go a long way.




Sometimes I have piles of clothes on my bed for days that I “forget” to hang up.  That’s about the extent of my messiness.  I don’t have a maid because I’m always cleaning.  I have a cat, so I don’t want to be one of those ladies who smell like litter boxes.  Also, my roommate has a case of OCD that would make Howard Hughes look like Jessica Simpson (she brushes her teeth three times a week).  We’ve got the whole scented candles thing going on, but I really don’t expect that from men.  Just make sure your home doesn’t look like the neighbors’ house in The Burbs.



Paying for shit

I felt empowered being twenty-three and paying for the majority of everything in my first relationship in LA.  I flew that motherfucker to Europe because he was a broke actor who was always “between jobs.” I was responsible as shit and worked all the time because that’s what I had been used to since I was fifteen.  It wasn’t until a few years ago that I started dating successful men who refused to let me pay for anything.  Men want to be able to take care of their woman.  It’s a natural instinct.  Of course I pitch in here and there, and I’m always grateful for men who make it a point to take care of the money stuff.  I understand that women are equally as capable of paying for things now more than they were back in the day.  But if a guy asks me out to dinner and suggests we split the bill, you can guarantee I will be posting the No Scrubs music video on my Facebook page with the caption “omg i hate guys like this!”




Remember that asshole I talked about in the first paragraph?  Yeah, he still sucks. I don’t know what the hell was going on in his brain.  I would get phone calls from him complaining about how miserable he was.  You’re supposed to wait longer than a week to break out “my life sucks” stuff if you’re trying to court a woman.  I don’t need some fucked up basket case in my life because I already bring that to the table.  Women need a man who will always be strong and reliable.  We need a guy who believes in himself.  I can’t reiterate enough how sexy it is for a man to be confident. One time I got a call from him asking what I missed about home (I was in another city working) and I said my cat, my best friend, sunshine, pilates class, my juicer, and him.  He freaked the fuck out when I didn’t say him first.  He texted, “I deserve a real girl, I’m not weak or stupid or needy.” Followed immediately by “I’m sorry, I just really miss you.” Don’t ever be like him.


beavis-spittingPut your fucking phone down

If we’re in the middle of a conversation at dinner and you pick up your phone to check how many people retweeted your last joke about the government shutdown, I will give you the Butthead look.  I’m always on my phone, too.  We all are always on our phones, but I make it a point to leave it in my knockoff Celine bag if I’m out with a guy.  Some guys need to check emails for work etc., which is acceptable.  It’s definitely not okay if they’re scrolling through Facebook looking at a new headshot from a girl who was in their improv class six years ago. Sheesh.



  • James Kelly

    Boooooring. Get that stick out of your bulimic anus

  • Bob

    Was this James Gunn?

    • James Kelly

      She obviously forgot to mention how she cheated on him.

      • Guest


      • CroKnows

        damn melissa gettin that #hawd #diiuuck #dawgsy

    • mstetten

      No, this is not James Gunn- he’s a director, not an actor.

  • Rob Farmer

    awwww how could he freak out over little beavis!!!

  • Nick Holmes

    That girl from my improv class is beautiful though.

  • Don Carpenter

    The jerk guy was right about one thing. The guys who always respond to you on Twitter don’t know how to be men. White Knights are the bane of the Internet.

  • tdk27

    Wasn’t this chick dating Josh Groban??!?!

    • mstetten


  • An

    All of your articles embrace the most basic stereotypes about what women want/expect from men. If these exes and so-called “assholes” are treating you badly, it’s because you’re letting them. I hope you don’t call yourself a feminist.

  • An

    All of your articles embrace the most basic stereotypes about what women want/expect from men. If these exes and so-called “assholes” that you rant and rave against are treating you badly, it’s because you’re letting them. I hope you don’t call yourself a feminist.

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