Melissa Stetten: The Truth About Flowers

October 24, 2013 • Love & Sex


Hi guys, did you know that being a gentleman goes a LONG way?  For some reason I’ve always told boyfriends that I don’t really care about flowers or cards or doing cheesy cute things.  Guess what? I FUCKING LOVE THAT SHIT. Every girl does. If a guy sent me flowers every day I would marry him.  Or call him a stalker, there’s a fine line between those two.  

Last year I went on a date with a guy who was nice, but not my type.  I did the whole “oh I’m busy” text thing, assuming he would get the hint.  He didn’t.  I had a really bad cold a few weeks after we met, and he kept texting if I needed anything.  I said, “thank you but I’m okay.”  A few hours later I was watching Seinfeld and taking Benadryl when I got a knock on my door.  I was on the 8th floor of a building that required a key to get into the lobby.  My neighbors were having a party so I thought it was some random drunk person trying to get some poon-tang.  I looked through the peephole and saw my nightmare: that guy holding flowers.  I cracked the door and said, “How did you get in?” He said he walked in when someone was walking out, and found my name and apartment number on the door buzzer thing.  You guys, my life flashed before my eyes.  I immediately thought “I’m going to be a Lifetime movie after he murders me.” It’ll be titled, “America’s Next Chopped Model” or “Murder, She Tweeted.”

He’s holding flowers and asks to come in.  I’m like, “Hells to the naw!”  I tell him to leave but I take the flowers.  It was my own personal “Leave the gun, take the cannoli” moment.  I wasn’t about to get whacked Godfather style.  Anyway, that guy still texts me and tells people we dated when we definitely did not. Ugh.

Aside from that serial killer, I love getting flowers.  More importantly, I love when a guy does something nice, simply because that’s how he was taught to treat women.  Chivalry is not dead, men who think they can get up in that pussy for buying a woman a shitty martini.  We don’t owe you anything.  Here are some things that women appreciate:



Open the car door

Every time a guy opens a door for me I always say “holy shit” because it’s so rare.  It’s even better when he doesn’t think twice about it.  The further into the relationship you are, I wouldn’t expect it every time.  But if you are trying to win this girl over, I highly recommend it.


sums-up-my-first-date-very-accurately Drive her home on the first date

If you picked up a lady for dinner, don’t assume she’s staying the night at your place.  You shouldn’t even ask.  There’s nothing better than zero pressure from a guy.  I’m more likely to hang out with him again if he doesn’t try to sleep with me on the first date.



Tell her she’s beautiful

Do you know how long it takes to look like I didn’t take long to look like what I do?  Longer than it’ll take to figure out that sentence.  Eyeliner is a bitch to put on.  And thanks to Cara Delevigne, I also need perfect eyebrows.  So fellas, make sure you acknowledge the fact that we were panicking because mascara got on our cheek and we had to scrape it off trying not to ruin the already placed concealer.



Grab her hand

It’s romantic, duh.  If you do it in public it’s even better.  Shows your lady that she’s the only one you’re thinking about.  I guess.  I don’t know I just made that up.  It could also have nothing to do with you and everything to do with the guy needing an ego boost by showing other dudes the hot piece of ass he’s with.



Kiss her on the cheek

I can only remember two guys who have done that to me.  Two.  One of them was yesterday. You guys need to get your shit together.



Text her

The ol’ “just thinkin bout u” is the single greatest text a girl can get, unless it’s from the guy who snuck into my building to bring me stalker flowers.  You know what, it’s NEVER okay to stop by a girl’s house if she’s not your girlfriend.  How did that serial killer know I didn’t have a guy over that I met on Tinder and I was faking my illness to let him down easily?

  • mopmonkey

    Another home run.

  • Davis

    So listen up gentlemen if you want to pick up a woman up who is also entitled and very insecure here are the tips. Men should worship women and not call them out when they’re acting up, sounds like that would be a healthy relationship.


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