This sentence is going to sound so obnoxious: It’s hard being cute because guys would rather date cute girls than be their friend. Don’t worry; I won’t get all Max Landis on you. (I actually met that misogynistic asshole last year at a comic book convention in Vegas. Relax, my ex works for Marvel and I still think Captain Planet is a comic book character. Max was the most annoying person I have ever met in my life, and I’m not exaggerating. Read his latest interview if you haven’t.)
I try to make new guy friends, but it’s frustrating when they want to make out with me too. I’ll go on a date with a guy, and he’ll be great, but he won’t be boyfriend material and I don’t know how to get that across. I can’t help but be awkward when being honest about my feelings. I feel like they won’t like me unless they can date me. I usually just get drunk to avoid the anxiety and end up making out with him anyway. I should really stop making decisions when I’m drunk.
Sometimes I like the guy enough to continue our cute romance and booty calls, which is all totally normal and fun. There’s the inevitable end to these types of relationships: stay together and become each other’s emergency contact, or stop talking, or call each other in the most desperate of moments, i.e. halloween costume decision. For me, lately, it’s been the latter, which sucks. I still want to be friends with some of the guys I’ve dated (not the one who told me I was a whore) but it never works like that. I end up wishing I never hooked up with them in the first place. It’s tough having a normal friendship with someone whose penis has been inside me.
The simple solution to this is being honest when I can tell he’s not my type. Easier said than done. I usually ignore their texts or make out with their friend at 4am on the corner of 14th & 2nd because that’s much easier than having an awkward conversation. This has been a problem of mine for a while. I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings but I usually end up making things worse in the end. This is my dating downfall.
BRB, my ex’s assistant is downstairs to drop off a box of things I left in London.
Oh cool, he accidentally put one of my ex’s sweaters in the box. Not bringing back any sad memories at all, nope, I’m totally fine. What’s that under my jacket? Oh, it’s just a birthday card saying how much he loves me that I got a week before he broke up with me. Those aren’t tears, it’s raining inside my apartment.
(3 hours and 2 xanax later)
Yeah, I don’t know, I think guys just want to have sex with girls and not be their friends. Well, here’s a list of things that could help with this issue:
1. Don’t hook up with every cute guy that crosses your path, even if he likes Seinfeld.
2. Don’t get too drunk and make out with him on the first date.
3. If he only asks to hang out at night it means he wants you to sleep at his house. Suggest hanging out during the day. If he says no then you know he’s only interested in gettin’ all up in dem guts, gurl.
4. Be honest and tell him exactly how you feel. Text him something like “Look, you’re super fun and I really like hanging out with you, but I just wanted to let you know I’m not looking for anything serious right now.”
5. Get married so you don’t have to date anymore.
6. Light the birthday card from your ex on fire.
7. Become a lesbian.
8. Did you know My So-Called Life is on Netflix?
9. It’s too hard to breakup with someone anyway. You have to unfollow him on twitter and instagram, unfriend him and all his friends you never liked in the first place from facebook, and unsubscribe from his podcast. Very tiring.
10. Don’t drunk text him. You’ll end up at his place and going to brunch with him in the morning. There’s nothing I hate more than waiting an hour for $35 eggs while listening to Chromeo.