I Should’ve Been A Gay Woman

November 1, 2013 • Fashion

Ever woken up in the morning with an urge to dress more like a lesbian? I did this morning. Maybe it’s Halloween vibes in the air, or maybe it’s my new love for male/female model Elliott Sailors (who is not a lesbian at all, but has nailed the look) but I wanna go full on fashion lezzie.

Oops. You’re offended. I’m sorry. You don’t think it’s responsible for me, a writer, to so flippantly generalize a multi-faceted group of humans and simply decide that one can arise some random morning and decide to be more like “them,” when in fact there is no seeable “them” to imitate via style or dress. Whatever. What I mean by “lesbian” is obviously, “boy” – or… shit, digging myself deeper.

Okay, play along kids: take a comprehensive look at yourself in your bedroom’s full-length, note the silhouette and the nuances of your natural canvas and begin drafting a mental list. Is that earring really doing anything for you anymore? What about that BLK DNM leather moto number? That’s not very boyish. Maybe you need to rewrite the plot of your hair story?

Attention future generation of gender-fucking fashion “lads,” maybe this HIGHLY SNACKABLE list of suggestions will speed the process of achieving that adorable queer boyishness that we all are born striving for:


1. Buy or Steal an old, greasy Baseball cap.

2. Wear long sleeves under short sleeves because you were really tired when you woke up, not because it’s ‘90s and you love ‘90s anything.

3. Buy jeans that look like snowboard pants and wear them low with long underwear. Always wear long underwear.

4. Go to your childhood home and grab a few old, odd-fitting hoodies from high school  and throw them in a bag, you’ll live in these.

5. Buy actual snowboard pants and wear them as if they weren’t. On the street. With long underwear.

6. Pilates.

7. Shave half of your head but still wear the baseball cap every day

8. Shave the rest of your head a week later.


See, boys and girls and everyone in between, it’s not that hard to look like a boy…or girl…or something in between. With the landscape of fashion hosting a key party of sexual orientation, let’s embrace our inner Elliott Sailors. After all, it’s Halloween! Wait, Halloween was yesterday? I SLEPT THROUGH HALLOWEEN?!?

Read more:
On Elsa Schiaparelli’s Auction: Classically Tragic or The Greatest Posthumous Gift Ever?
Talk Of The Town: The Real Meaning Behind Social Messaging Shirts

All Aboard.

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