Melissa Stetten Reviews Lulu

November 5, 2013 • Love & Sex

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As a woman I’m probably not supposed to say anything, but Lulu has second-handedly invaded the privacy of millions of dudes. It’s an app that has been around for eight months. I just discovered it last week and immediately informed every female friend of its existence. Lulu allows girls to anonymously rate their male Facebook friends, crushes, ex-boyfriends, and hook-ups. The app asks girls to answer questions about guys with multiple-choice answers. The quiz covers things like sex, wardrobe, intelligence, work ethic, commitment, and manners. Then it asks you to choose from a list of pre-chosen adjectives like #AlwaysPays #RespectsWomen #OneoftheGoodOnes #Boring #FuckedMeAndChuckedMe or #SketchyCallLog.


The two women creators of Lulu said, “It’s more of a positive place than a negative place.  Once guys understand it better, they see it as a secret weapon to engage and use to their advantage.” HAHAHAHA yeah right! I know awful things about guys that I never wanted or needed to know. It’s all based on opinion of course, but if I see a guy with three or more bad reviews and hash tags like #ThatGuy or #OneTrackMind, I’m going to be weary of him. In fact, a guy that asked me to hang out recently had three not-so-great reviews. On a scale of one to ten, he scored a five in the sex category, a six in commitment, and was plagued by shitty hash tags like #DressesLikeALesbian #StillLovesHisEx #CantTakeAHint #ManChild #NeverAsksQuestions and my favorite: #Meh. Because of that, it has definitely turned me off and I really have no desire to find out for myself if all of that is false.


On the other hand, a guy that I’m currently seeing has mostly great reviews, but also the hash tags #SketchyCallLog and #WanderingEye.  Those could absolutely be the result of a heartbroken girl getting revenge or an honest review. Who the fuck knows? I showed him his profile since guys are not able to log in because Facebook tells the app your gender. We then looked up a bunch of dudes we both know and found out who sucks at sex. He noticed little stars on the bottom right corner of some pictures, which means I had reviewed that guy. He asked what that meant and I said, “Oh, umm, they have lots of reviews or something, hey let’s look up someone else!” Great diversion Melissa! I get nervous when anyone else has my phone in their hand for three seconds, let alone an app that shows what guys I hooked up with.


I was disappointed that an asshole I dated was not on the app. I wanted to give him an awful review to warn potential girlfriends, but his privacy settings on Facebook didn’t allow his profile to be shown. Also, the hash tags #InsecureLittleBitch, #VerballyAbusive, and #Rapist weren’t an option. I would love to see those and #GaveMeAnSTD or #SecretFamily added.


I think this app is most useful in Los Angeles. Guys in the entertainment business tend to claim they’re amazing and “different” when they first meet girls, but then quickly turn into stereotypical douchebags who only care about getting blowjobs from the hottest girls possible.


The thought of guys having an app like Lulu is horrifying  It would be based solely on sex and looks. I can only imagine the hash tags: #Slut #GivesGoodHead #GiantTits #FlatAss #JealousStalker #TalksTooMuch and #DumbFriends. Assuming it would have nice adjectives is a stretch. The reason Lulu kind of only works as a women’s app is because we look further than physical attributes. Success, humor, and respect come way before looks for me, and most of my female friends.


Judging someone before meeting them based on a stranger’s opinion is really fucking stupid though. I’ve had a lot of guys say to me, “but so and so said you were crazy and shady and to watch out for you.” I don’t even know what that means. Watch out for me being awesome? Sure, I’ve broken a few hearts and had some overlaps in hooking up with guys, but is that shady? No, it’s called being single and dating. If I were to fuck my boyfriend’s friends and lie about it that would be called shady. Think about that the next time you “warn” your friend about someone you haven’t met. Sorry, had a rough weekend.


I was super stoked to discover Lulu at first, but now I’m not so into it. It is a double-edged sword. Some guys may be falsely judged and walk around with a stigma of being an asshole when they’re truly not. But, it could act as a proper warning for guys who pretend to be interested and are secretly douchebags (aka most guys I end up with, someone help me please). Or, we could all live in the present and judge people from our own personal experiences like how it was before the Internet ruined our lives. I’m used to living in the future and assuming every guy I meet will eventually cheat on me or become a total asshole. Yes, I’m working on it, but it’s rare that I meet a guy who is genuinely nice.  So, in my case, Lulu is completely useless and fuels my paranoia.



Internet: 1.  Melissa: 0.


  • mopmonkey

    Another good read. I’m really glad this didn’t exist back when I was dating,because I was thin-skinned. Looks like a useful tool for the women who aren’t confident in their ability to “read” a guy.

  • ColinJ

    I clicked hoping this would be another (much-deserved) evisceration of the Lou Reed/Metallica fiasco.

    I am disappoint.

    But I’ll get over it…

  • Feral N Hungry, Esq.

    “The thought of guys having an app like Lulu is horrifying It would be based solely on sex and looks…. Assuming it would have nice adjectives is a stretch.”

    I am appalled. Yes, I’m sure that tags like #slut etc would exist in any backstabbing-type app you could imagine existing, but that would just be a sign that the guys LEAVING them would have left crappy reviews.

    If your experience of men is that they wouldn’t have anything to say more honest or informative than that, I am not in the LEAST surprised you can’t tell the crazy ones from the sane ones; you are absolutely dating only assholes. *shrug* Makes sense; if the quote above is any indication, nobody nice would date you.

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