Today we take a break from our regular coverage of haircuts in Model Land to explore the hirsute catastrophes on the red carpets of Lala Land, a place where famous actresses change their hair in an effort to stay relevant, avoid pigeonholing, and make sure writers like this one make a big deal out of it.
It started slowly, a snip here, a snip there. Beachy blonde waves crept northward into pseudo-bob territory, gradually, insidiously, sneakily acclimating you to change. “Nothing to see here, people,” it said. “Move along.” And so we did, without question or criticism, distrust or suspicion. Until all of a sudden — BAM! — it’s all Rosemary’s goddamn Baby in this piece!
Jennifer Lawrence, what did you do?!
Don’t you know how fucking hot you looked in that ree-dic-you-luss-ly skin-tight red number you wore to the 2011 Academy Awards? Don’t you realize that – yes, while you looked sort of like an Orange County trophy wife with that perfect blonde hair – you had the perfect blonde hair? Do you know how many hours I have personally spent sitting in a salon chair, listening to my gay hairstylist talk about his cats while he bleached my own mane into oblivion, only in the mere hopes it might come close to yours? And what do you do to repay our slavish dedication to your babe-ish-ness? What did you do, Jennifer Lawrence? Sheared yourself like a peasant sheep!
I know you’re trying to be grown up and you’ve said something about your hair being icky (probably from dying it back and forth for movies, I get it. Being a celeb is major tough stuff), but short hair is not for you. You’re too hot! When it comes to pixie cuts, I live by a golden rule: Either you look like Audrey Hepburn, or you look like the garb Audrey Hepburn picks out from under her shoe. There is nothing in between. Natalie Portman? Cate Blanchett? Totally Hepburn. Miley Cyrus? Garb! Works for them, Jennifer Lawrence. Does not work for you!
Today, to my great regret, you join the ranks of smokin’ celebs who uglied themselves out too soon. You’re young! You have amazing boobs! (Sidenote: Did you know there is a Tumblr page called “Jennifer Lawrence Nice Boobies”? I’m sure you’ll find the fixation at least as disturbing as I did, likely more so.) You fearlessly make jokes at the expense of Meryl Streep. You got balls, lady. You don’t need to look like you have them.
Verdict: I can’t even say it aloud.