Hey Joaquin Phoenix,
I heard you’re dating a nineteen year old. That’s cool. What is it like knowing she was a child two years ago? Does that make you feel empowered? Or do you just like her pre-stretch-marked body and that sweet teenage pussy? You know what I was doing at nineteen? Going to house parties on Western Michigan University’s campus with my boyfriend and his idiot friends who peed in frat guys’ shampoo bottles for fun. We also made potato guns to shoot old TVs with in the middle of cornfields while listening to Modest Mouse and eating homemade weed brownies. I doubt you’re doing those things with your daughter-I mean girlfriend. Although if you did, I’d think you were really cool.
Here are some suggestions as to what you guys might enjoy doing:
-Watch Manhattan and say things like, “Babe, this movie is totally like us!” You know, because Woody fucks a teenager.
-Talk about how crazy it was to watch President Clinton lie on TV about doing sex stuff with Monica Lewinsky. Oh wait, your girlfriend was only three years old in 1997.
-Watch Jurassic Park and reminisce about how cool it was to see in theaters. Never mind, your girlfriend wasn’t born yet.
Hmm, I guess all that’s left is to have sex and try to relate to your girlfriend’s teen angst. Good luck with that.
Now, you’re probably saying to yourself, “But Melissa, you dated some guys who were much older than you.” Yes, yes I did. I wasn’t a teenager though. I was well into my twenties. I’m sure you could find very mature teenage girls studying at Harvard who you could discuss the debt ceiling with, but your girlfriend is a DJ. She is a young, innocent, cute blonde full of youth who probably loves neon sneakers more than Nora Ephron. She simply does not have the life experience you have. I should be the last person judging your romance because I was in a year and a half long relationship with a guy twenty-three years older than me. We connected mostly through humor and Seinfeld, but I had been done with college and lived as an independent adult for many years prior to meeting him. I had already dated a lot of guys to know what worked and didn’t work for me. I knew how sexually oriented and less thoughtful men were to not make myself recklessly vulnerable. I hope you’re being honest with your girlfriend and letting her know that you’re mostly attracted to her youth.
Oh, by the way, Miley Cyrus is twenty.
I think your girlfriend needs to be nineteen and cherish her innocence. One day she might wake up in her late twenties and regret not having fun, memorable experiences with her young friends because you wanted to go on a ten day cruise because you heard the buffet was good.
Anyway, just saying hi. Let me know if you want to grab coffee or something next week. I should have an afternoon free when I finish writing about you fucking a teenager.
Cheers, (don’t you hate when Americans write this?)
P.S. Just so you know, this weird relationship would’ve been a better documentary than the fake shitty one you made.
P.P.S. Magic Johnson has had HIV longer than your girlfriend has been alive.