Melissa Stetten Writes A Letter To Joaquin Phoenix

November 19, 2013 • Love & Sex

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Hey Joaquin Phoenix,


I heard you’re dating a nineteen year old.  That’s cool.  What is it like knowing she was a child two years ago?  Does that make you feel empowered? Or do you just like her pre-stretch-marked body and that sweet teenage pussy?  You know what I was doing at nineteen?  Going to house parties on Western Michigan University’s campus with my boyfriend and his idiot friends who peed in frat guys’ shampoo bottles for fun.  We also made potato guns to shoot old TVs with in the middle of cornfields while listening to Modest Mouse and eating homemade weed brownies.  I doubt you’re doing those things with your daughter-I mean girlfriend.  Although if you did, I’d think you were really cool.

Here are some suggestions as to what you guys might enjoy doing:

-Watch Manhattan and say things like, “Babe, this movie is totally like us!”  You know, because Woody fucks a teenager.

-Talk about how crazy it was to watch President Clinton lie on TV about doing sex stuff with Monica Lewinsky.  Oh wait, your girlfriend was only three years old in 1997.

-Watch Jurassic Park and reminisce about how cool it was to see in theaters.  Never mind, your girlfriend wasn’t born yet.

Hmm, I guess all that’s left is to have sex and try to relate to your girlfriend’s teen angst.  Good luck with that.

Now, you’re probably saying to yourself, “But Melissa, you dated some guys who were much older than you.” Yes, yes I did.  I wasn’t a teenager though.  I was well into my twenties.  I’m sure you could find very mature teenage girls studying at Harvard who you could discuss the debt ceiling with, but your girlfriend is a DJ.  She is a young, innocent, cute blonde full of youth who probably loves neon sneakers more than Nora Ephron.  She simply does not have the life experience you have.  I should be the last person judging your romance because I was in a year and a half long relationship with a guy twenty-three years older than me. We connected mostly through humor and Seinfeld, but I had been done with college and lived as an independent adult for many years prior to meeting him.  I had already dated a lot of guys to know what worked and didn’t work for me.  I knew how sexually oriented and less thoughtful men were to not make myself recklessly vulnerable.  I hope you’re being honest with your girlfriend and letting her know that you’re mostly attracted to her youth.

Oh, by the way, Miley Cyrus is twenty.

I think your girlfriend needs to be nineteen and cherish her innocence.  One day she might wake up in her late twenties and regret not having fun, memorable experiences with her young friends because you wanted to go on a ten day cruise because you heard the buffet was good.

Anyway, just saying hi.  Let me know if you want to grab coffee or something next week.  I should have an afternoon free when I finish writing about you fucking a teenager.


Cheers, (don’t you hate when Americans write this?)

Melissa Stetten


P.S. Just so you know, this weird relationship would’ve been a better documentary than the fake shitty one you made.

P.P.S. Magic Johnson has had HIV longer than your girlfriend has been alive.



  • kayah whogivesashit

    1.Why is it any of your business?
    2. She’s’old enough to vote and to have a gun, but she can”t date an older guy?
    3. You make it sound like she was forced into that relationship whereas she was the one who dumped her BF for him 😉

    • mstetten


  • Marisa

    She’s 20, it was confirmed this week, your entire article is invalid.

    • mstetten

      STOP THE PRESSES I RETRACT MY STATEMENT! It’s still fucking gross.

  • Lincoln Abraham

    I love when girls in their early mid 20’s talk about 20 year old girls like they’re so much more mature than them. Sounds like you’re still mad your ex-boyfriend (50 something year old, white supremacist, alcoholic gun nut) broke up with you for an actual high schooler.

    • mstetten

      I broke up with Anthony over a year ago and people are STILL talking about it? Do you have nothing else to think about?

      • Anthony Giangrande

        Apparently she doesn’t register the obvious parallel. Cognitive dissonance anyone?

        • Dawn Laskey

          hahaha, yup!

    • kayah whogivesashit

      wait a second…she’s 20 something and dated a 50yo guy and had the nerve to write this artcile? hahahaha

  • Kyla Fear

    don’t you generally date men who are like twice your age though? this honestly seems super personal and was uncomfortable to read…

    • mstetten

      I’m not a teenager…

      • Kyla Fear

        but haven’t you already talked about how you end up not having things in common with the men you date as things progress too? Does it really make a difference if you are 19 or 27 if there is a huge age difference and you don’t have anything in common aside from your taste in tv? Perhaps you should write a letter to the girl rather than the guy and impart some wisdom rather than just writing something insulting… that way at least you could get personal without making your readers uncomfortable with working out your own man issues?

        • mstetten

          This has nothing to do with me. A teenager is a child. A 27 year old is an adult.

          • Kyla Fear

            but… you made this article about you? you talked about stuff YOU did when you were 19 to prove your point of being too immature to date someone as old as him? you talked about your own relationship but only to say that you were much older, despite you know.. previously saying your relationship failed for all the reasons you’re kinda spouting out here as reasons they are disgusting.. again, it would have been a better article had you written it to this chick. But this felt like it was just a really uncomfortable stab at… wait. I’m not even sure what your point is? He shouldn’t be dating someone who is of legal age of consent… because of the age gap? Or that he makes shitty documentaries? Or are you just pissed because her age still ends in teen. Would you still be so disgusted if she was 21 and he was 78?

          • mstetten


          • Kyla Fear

            glad you cleared that up.

          • Anthony Giangrande

            Newsflash: A 19 year old is not a child. 18 is legal adulthood. Your assertion that a 19 year old is a child is a matter of opinion, not a matter of legal fact.

          • mstetten

            This entire article is my opinion, REEELAXXXX! It’s supposed to be funny, sheesh!

          • Anthony Giangrande

            Funny fail.

          • Anthony Giangrande

            Even the bad jokes don’t mask the very real underlying viciousness. How sad.

          • Michael D. Miller

            Funnyterloo. Funnygrad. Funnyshima/Funnygasaki. Funnyschwitz.

          • Michael D. Miller

            Unfortunately, “supposed to be” is not synonymous with “is” in this instance.

      • zipperhead

        i felt empowered dating you at 19….mmmmm the empowerment of mushrooms

        • mstetten

          we dated? man, kalamazoo was all a blur

  • Nick Holmes

    …but is she a good DJ?

    • mstetten

      good question

  • Anthony Giangrande

    Wow, this article is HEINOUS. It’s more an indictment of Melissa Stetten’s character than anything else. She knows NOTHING about these two consenting adults, and yet she stands in judgment. Just because SHE was an immature ignoramus at 19, she assumes this young woman is. Being cute, having blonde hair, and spinning records does not necessarily mean someone is an idiot and incapable of making their own decisions. Perhaps Melissa should not project her own life experiences onto others and stand in ugly UGLY judgement, via ageism, from afar; but rather than hen-peck others like a cheap gossip, find something infinitely more constructive to do with her time.

    • zipperhead

      with the exception that she is the most cynically funny person ever!

      • Dawn Laskey

        Said no one

        • kayah whogivesashit


    • mstetten

      By constructive do you mean commenting on articles that I write?

      • Anthony Giangrande

        Yes, calling someone out on directing hatred towards strangers is constructive.

        • mstetten

          Lets just internet hug and call it a day.

          • Anthony Giangrande


  • BrittCurr

    I think the most disappointing aspect to this article is that a model is belittling another female’s overall intelligence just because she is a DJ. This may come off as me belittling your intelligence, but I am merely pointing out the fact that woman have had to fight to even be recognized as equals intellectually. So please do not do yourself and other woman a disservice with future articles like these.

    • mstetten

      ehem, part-time model.

      • BrittCurr

        Ah– duly noted.

  • Joe Mammy

    I see why you date older guys. You are definitely very advanced for your age. For example, you are only in your twenties, but you sound like a bitter, menopausal cunt.

    • kayah whogivesashit

      haha my thoughts exactly!

      • mstetten

        haha my thoughts exactly too! wait, you’re talking about me

  • Mooobar

    This article is great! Spoke the truth and made me laugh. There is nothing wrong with that on a Tuesday afternoon.

  • Josh Mosolf

    Holy shit, you actually reply to comments? You were already one of my favorite people, but now you’re even more awesome. Also, I happen to agree with you on this subject.

    • mstetten


  • Jesse Thomas

    Team Stetten!

  • Saydied

    i read your opinion, and now, if you don’t mind, please, i’d like to share mine.

    i dated a man 18 years older than me when i was 18. you talk about the things that 18 year olds “should” be doing when they’re 18 instead of dating old men but frankly i was never interested in any of that. in my “incredibly old boyfriend” i found a very supportive partner who has been a close friend of mine with whom i can relate and confide in through many years now, age difference be damned. honestly at the end of it we just realized we wanted different things, very large things like moving and children–not superficial relationship-ending hyperbole like “he didn’t get my pop culture references” (which, we obviously did understand each other on that front–he lived through the 90s just the same as i did and was actually quite up to date on current music and culture).

    my current boyfriend is almost 10 years older than me which is an age jump that i still feel makes people squeamish. we have been together for several years at this point and frankly i can’t imagine dating anyone younger than that if it ever came to that (which hopefully it won’t).

    i don’t really care about who joaquin phoenix is dating, because i think we both know that his problems extend past his sexual life, and perhaps that’s what you meant to attack instead: his horrible deficiency as a human being and the sad inevitability that he will damage this girl in emotional ways that neither of them can even begin to understand yet, because he refuses to take care of himself mentally (i’m looking at you too, marilyn manson). i’m sorry to read through other articles that your relationships with older men didn’t work out because they were, at least in my summation, interested in a beautiful young trophy.

    you seem very thoughtful and self aware and i did enjoy the counter-opinion, especially from someone who has also had experience dating older men, because oftentimes i read drivel from people who can sit on a high horse and judge without ever having been in that boat. i just felt very compelled to, as a person who has also dated an older man at a young age, share my experience as well.

    • mstetten

      Thank you for your input. Well said.

      • Saydied

        thank you for listening! 🙂 i look forward to reading your articles in the future.

  • Alex

    Ms. Stetten, Your attitude is cowardly because you are judging someone you do not know and even worse, is absent; that is more deplorable than thrashing a defenseless person. Only ignorant and obtuse people gossip,by speaking of people rather than things and ideas.

  • Gordon Stula

    Add me to the very long list here that think your ‘opinion’ on this subject is over the top. You are fixated on the ‘teenager’ classification as if she was 16. I guess the day she becomes 20 (probably soon) your entire issue with their age difference becomes mute.

    Next time, go after the celeb and not an age that every adult remembers fondly. Joaquin Phoenix is a serious tool, which in and of itself might have made for better satire…

    Your replies to many of these emotionally charged negative responses are funnier than the article. So keep at it you funny, sexy former-Midwest, bi-coastal model/journalist in the making… 🙂

  • MissCaswell

    I enjoy Melissa’s writing and agree with her in principle here (though of course, it’s the way things are, ain’t gonna change), but it’s pretty clear who this essay is really aimed at.

  • Kassidy Renee Paige

    10 points to Gryffindor//@mstetten:disqus

  • Joe Simmons

    You’re a funny writer. I loved the “cheekbone lottery” phrase in one of your earlier pieces. But this one blows. It comes off like you’re bitter.

    Don’t worry, before I did stand-up, I was a humor blogger, and I certainly laid a few eggs in my time. Keep it up; I’ll still read.

  • lc1715

    “One day she might wake up in her late twenties and regret not having fun, memorable experiences…”

    Don’t you think, like, dating Joaquin Phoenix will be a rather memorable experience for her in the future? Better than house parties anyway. Sheesh.

  • Mike

    This [minus] seething bitterness [equals] funny

  • tyler jacobson
  • The New Century Man

    You know why Joaquin is dating a nineteen year old, Melissa? Because she doesn’t had a fat body from stuffing herself with processed food, her nature is probably sweet unlike yours and her skin is smooth like it’s supposed to be compared to your pimply back and shaving bumps on your vulva.

  • Benjammin

    Aside the many GENERALIZATIONS U made, and the not-very-subdued angst you have (a.k.a. ‘Haterz’) age is really only a number… I simply ask the question Does GOD put a number on a persons soul..? Just cumquats for thought.. 😛

    • Benjammin

      Id be more worried about the lack of SUN she gets! Good gravy shes bright! I can hear GIZMO from GREMLINS , “Bright light bright light”!! (Yes, Gremlins was B4 yo time, and mine somewhat 😉

  • the_guy_was_right

    You mention Seinfeld. You realize that he was dating a 17 year old while his show was on? What do you have to say about that?

  • Guest

    Who cares? They’re both of age and certainly must enjoy each other to spend time together. Sounds like you’re an uptight morals maven, jealous, sexually obsessive (really? sweet teenage pussy?), and overly opinionated. Worst of all is matching all those traits with being horrendously self-serious. But it doesn’t matter does it — at least since you got the web-hits you were after? (Not to mention who can trust the opinion of a person who bangs Anthony Cumia? Ugh. No wonder you’re jealous.) 😉

  • Bec Fletcher

    I seriously don’t know what’s funnier, this article or the comments below. I subscribe to your articles cos they’re so well written. keep it up

  • Anthony Giangrande

    A 2nd rate model who dates men twice her age harshly spewing hatred toward a 1st rate actor for dating a younger woman. Clearly no vile hypocrisy there.

  • Starfish416

    I knew a few girls who modeled in their teens before going on to careers as executives in media-related careers for global organizations. They were interested in literature, arts and culture from a very young age and they ever had any interest in the type of teenage partying or insecure attention seeking the author refers to here.

    These self-aware women sought intellectual stimulation and worldly experience. By the time they were in their late teens, they had far more to offer a partner than just their youth (as the author blindly suggests of this person whom she has never met). Twenty years later, they would not tell you that they missed out on anything by not going through an ignorant, thrill-seeking phase of life.

    The author is making the false assumption that all young women are foolish and immature into their twenties (like herself).

    P.S. Just because one labels something as “humor” does not justify ignorant, hateful remarks with no factual basis. Especially when the author is not remotely funny.

  • CoolBeans

    You are also more immature then any 19 year old now that you are in your 30’s so you couldn’t have been mature when you dated older guys. Don’t be bitter that you are no longer the hot piece of ass that can get an attractive guy and you are relegated to fucking ugly and/or old guys so you can feel like you have some ounce of power in the relationship because otherwise you are worthless. How does it feel to have nothing to offer the work but stupid comments about guys who make the mistake of finding you attractive for a dumb moment in time. Your entire self worth is defined by instances of degrading men and yourself. Stick to yourself because at least that makes sense since you are virtually worthless.

  • Cory

    Aren’t you a little condescending with her? I want to say she is in the world of parties for some time now. She began to lie about her age when she was 16 years old. Maybe she has experience. Or maybe it’s not all about age… just supposing. Some persons naturally grow faster (sorry for my mistakes, I’m french).

  • Nixieni

    What if he is with her because of her personality, not for how she looks? Maybe
    he isn’t as shallow as you’re painting him.

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  • Brian Breslin

    wow you are a fucking hypocrite cunt!!!!!!!!!

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