BREAKING NEWS: Kim Kardashian Loves Unicorns

November 20, 2013 • Music

The following is an imagined conversation between Kanye West and director Nick Knight before the filming of his latest video, “Bound 2.” Given the nature of all things “imaginary,” it never really happened. So, if you’re reading this Kanye, don’t get your Givenchy panties in a bunch.

Nick Knight: So, Kanye. I have a couple ideas…

Kanye West: Okay, okay, okay. We gonna open up with SCREEN SAVERS from my ’93 Sony Vaio desktop. I want it everything all… hyper-bright, perfect. Stock footage, man. STOCK FOOTAGE. I want eagles soarin’, sunsets settin’, snow-capped mountain peaks. AMERICA, Nick Knight. Kanye West wants fucking AMERICA. Did I tell you about the albino ponies? Put albino ponies in that intro. Unless you can get unicorns. Kim-loves-unicorns.

Nick Knight: Kanye, unicorns don’t actually…

Kanye West: So the storyline is… there is no storyline. Story lines are for Jay Z and that Beyonce chick, being all Bonnie and Clyde and shit. I want this to be Clyde and… just Clyde, man. I mean, Kim’ll be there. But just as, like, a blonde, tan thing to reflect light off of. Shit, the light. Have we talked about the light yet? I want it buttery, man. Buttery and smooth. I want Kim’s back to glow like the gold on my bottom grill. You see that, man?

[Kanye West opens his mouth and points inside. Nick Knight, feeling obligated, takes a look.]

Nick Knight: That must make flossing extremely difficult. I really hope you use mouthwash.

Kanye West: So I was watchin’ this Theophilus London video the other day and it got me thinkin’ about that Madonna video from ’06 – it’s all green screens and cowboy hats and shit. But I thought, “Know what would make these better? If me and my lady’s tits were in there, like, ridin’ a motorcycle, but we movin’ slow and the clouds movin’ fast.” Surreal, Nick Knight. Surreal.

Nick Knight: Great. That’s kind of my thing. Lady Gaga actually…

Kanye West: So first time we see Kim, she’s all backlit and in profile, layin’ on a motorcycle the way they do in magazines, back arched, boobs lookin’ all perfectly round and magical, wearin’ a pair of boots that look like those Tims J. Lo wore in that video when she was still makin’ music, not babies.

Nick Knight: What kind of motorcycle?

Kanye West: Doesn’t matter. This shit ain’t realistic. It’s surrealistic. So Kim’s naked in front of me now, and the fake road that we’re riding on goes all bounce bounce bounce so it looks like I’m fuckin’ her, but I’m not, you know, because I still get to keep my clothes on because I gotta focus while I’m drivin’ the moto. That’s what this whole video is about, Nick Knight. It ain’t about bein’ good (it’s not). It ain’t about going with the music (it doesn’t). It’s about letting people know what it’s like for Kanye West to fuck Kim Kardashian. “I wanna fuck you hard in the sink. After that give you somethin’ to drink.” It’s like that right there.

[Nick Knight writes down “sink” on a mostly empty notepad.]

Kanye West: And then I wanna make people uncomfortable. I want them to watch this video and be like “Damn, do they even like each other? Is this a couple in love or is this two hyper-self-promoting narcissists that live in the constant quest of the bigger better publicity stunt?” Cuz I don’t even know man. I’m just workin’ this shit out in my head right now. All I know is I want close-ups of both of us separately, bouncing up and down – again, like we fuckin’. Make those boobs real nice and jiggly. And that sunset keeps on goin’ in the background. You know, that sunset from the intro, when the ponies are all running towards the cliffs. I don’t know why we have those ponies now that I’m on this bike fuckin’ Kim, but it’s the same sunset.

[Nick Knight belatedly underlines “sink” on his notebook for emphasis.]

Kanye West: Oh, shit! I forgot the best part. So at one point, Kim gonna wipe her mouth with the back of her hand like she just blew me, only her face is going to read zero emotion so it seems like she didn’t do anything. So you sit back and go, “Damn, did Kim Kardashian really just sort of allude to blowin’ her man in this video?” But she stares at camera all blank, like she’s just given the worst pretty girl blowjob of all time. In fact, it’s the worst pretty girl blowjob face you think that maybe she just pulled hair out of her mouth or something.

Nick Knight: So nobody comes.

Kanye West: Naw, man. Naw.

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[Note: This imaginary conversation does not reflect the writer’s views on Nick Knight’s work, which is generally outstanding. It does, however, reflect her personal belief that Kanye West was really just trying to make a 2013 version of “You Are Not Alone”]

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