Melissa Stetten’s Sex Deal Breakers

November 22, 2013 • Love & Sex

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Seriously guys, sex is very important.  Women don’t have a penis they can just shove into anything and magically have an orgasm. You have to at least put some effort into fucking or you’ll force the girl into faking orgasms, which is sad and uncomfortable for everyone.  I know because I’ve done it a lot. Sorry guys.

Here are some tips so you don’t get a 3/10 in the sex category on Lulu.


1. You gotta wait to stick it in

Don’t put your penis inside a woman less than ten minutes before you’re both naked.  Ten minutes as the absolute least amount of time you should wait from the beginning of starting sex stuff.  The longer the better, guys.  I had a boyfriend who would skip entirely over any foreplay and just shove his dick in me.  When I mentioned it to him, he would say, “Why bother doing anything else when I can just stick it in the place it’s going to end up eventually?” GOOD POINT, BRO.


2.  Don’t be one of those guys…

There’s a song by DJ Quik called “Can I Eat It?” It’s a bunch of dudes talking about why they don’t like eating pussy.  My favorite line is, “…so keep that salmon sandwich to yo’ self…” Salmon. Sandwich. Okay, that’s hilarious, but the entire song is filled with awful reasons why guys shouldn’t go down on girls. “Have her wash up if the ho is a hoochie, and keep your mouth away from that coochie.”  Seriously? Come on. I dated a guy for about a week that said he was scared of going down on girls because he had a bad experience once.  The first ten years of my sexual life was one long bad experience, so don’t tell me you’re too good for dining at the Y.


3. Don’t ask your girlfriend to be in a threesome

I’m not against it, but if you feel the need to add another girl into the mix, don’t do it with your serious girlfriend.  If you’re just a dude casually dating girls, that’s the best time to do it.  If my boyfriend even brought it up it would cause some weirdness in our relationship.  I don’t want to know that he’s even thinking of the possibility of having sex with another girl.  Of course guys think about sex all day long, but the less I hear about it, the better.


4. Easy on the aggressiveness

If you turn into a choking hair pulling monster during sex, that’s fine, but don’t take it too far, please.  One time I woke up with horrendous bruises and had an audition for a swimsuit company. I looked like I just finished shooting a Lifetime movie about battered wives as I stood in front of a camera in my bikini.  Also, I don’t want to think that I look weird during sex, so don’t choke me so hard that I look like a stroke victim gasping for air.

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5.  Don’t shower right after sex

I dated a guy who would immediately shower after we had sex.  It made me feel weird and gross.  He had some crazy OCD thing going on but there’s something nice about lying in bed and smelling like sex.


6.  Don’t close your eyes when you’re facing a girl

Who the hell are you thinking about other than the naked chick in front of you? Stop doing that!  Am I not there to turn you on? Are my boobs too small? Does my hair look bad? Does my mascara make me look like Courtney Love but not in a good way? Open your eyes dammit!


7.  Don’t be awkwardly quiet.

Say something, anything. You could tell me a really boring story about a fishing trip and I would probably be into it. Talking makes sex much better.  Girls like to be told how hot they look.  But don’t make it too weird. I was at a guy’s house and his family had just left from visiting so there were baby toys still lying around his living room.  We were having sex and he said, “Let me take you downstairs so I can fuck you on those baby toys.”  I pretended to not hear him.  That was the last time we had sex.  I actually saw that guy last year at a party and he was with a girl who had a Hello Kitty purse.  Not creepy at all.

  • the_guy_was_right

    Not too far at all.

  • Davis

    If you had bad sex for the first ten years of your life maybe it’s you that needs to sort your shit out sweetie.

  • CousinDave

    Melissa, why do girls feel the need to fake? I have no problem with my chick finishing herself off, its actually pretty hot.

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