Justin Bieber just released his new fragrance and the mini-movie for it is predictably terrifying on some Stephenie Meyers vampire teen fantasy trip-level. Needless to say, I have watched it maybe ten times already and have also gone out of my way to smell said perfume—and it is totally gross. I have no doubt he will make millions on it within the first week, easily. Justin Bieber is a perfume king, guys. His first fragrance, Someday, is known by perfumeheads as the most successful celebrity fragrance launch in history. It sold $3 million at Macy’s the first three weeks and contributed single-handedly to the minor growth in fragrances in 2011, according to Euromonitor.
Of course, Bieber isn’t the only celeb trying to cash in on the empire of smells. It’s a low-risk bet: you get millions up front, plus a healthy slice of licensing sales with minimal effort. Low risk licensing deals mean we have Snooki, Katy Perry, Jay-Z, Jennifer Aniston, Adam Levine, and Selena Gomez all riding that wave to cash money. Some of them flop (can you guess how Snooki’s did?), while others take their ‘creators’ to billionaire status, a la Britney Spears’ perfume empire. When we were all concerned for her health during her bald-era, Britney was raking in that money like nobody’s business.
This has all got me to thinking: Jay-Z and Bieber have their own perfume empires now, who could be next? And what would their fragrances smell like? I walked through Macy’s with a copy of People magazine in my hand for inspiration and came up with these:
Morrissey. Why doesn’t Morrissey have some obscure, limited edition scent sold only at his favorite record store with 100% of the proceeds going to PETA? It’s beyond me–that would be very on-brand. The Internet tells me he wears Avignon by CDG which is fitting, as it’s a scent relatable to cold marble steps, dark confessions and goth tears. I think if he were to make a scent, it would be some combination of amber, patchouli, angelica and myrrh. Smells that remind me of holy rituals (aka listening to his discography on repeat) and his super intense emo-existence. It would be marketed as his songwriting tears and every twenty something bi-curious girl I’ve ever wanted to make out with would have a bottle. The launch party would have so, so many Black Flag t-shirts and people would be having heated arguments about authenticity while in line to purchase.
Courtney Stodden. I give her like, two years max before she tries one. I want to see her come up like Kim Kardashian. I imagine she would enlist the noses behind Victoria Secret’s perfumes and the packaging would be really pink, really sparkly. The campaign images would literally be her in a bikini in a pool of her own perfume surrounded by buff men and tiny dogs. It would maybe also include an American flag because she is an American dream. It would smell overbearingly like strawberries, vanilla, roses and the final note would be rum as a surprise. It would be sold at Walgreens and Moms for America would throw a fit. Of course, that would only spike sales more, because #AMERICA.
Bjork. Oh man, all the perfume houses would kill (each other) to scent her. She’d be so complex and everyone on Luckyscent would argue about the base notes because of course she would only release three, if any. Damp soil. Ocean salt. Jasmine. It would smell like sunshine and wet earth and then punch you in the face with some strange combination of spice and fruit. Some strange balance of fruit and woodsiness that on the wrong person would smell like a garbage can, but on a Chosen One, smells like…..Bjork. The last note would be the slightest hint of jasmine. Serge Lutens and CB I Hate Perfume would issue open letter death threats to each other for the opportunity to bottle her. She would write the perfume description in haiku form and the vial would be something absurdly cute, like a glass baby duckling.
Lil B. I frankly do not care at all what the perfume would smell like. I can only envision the beautiful poetry the based god would write about how everyone who would wear it would be beautiful, powerful, capable creatures who are loved and who don’t know their own strength and value. I’m basically tearing up right now thinking about how unbearably cute it would be. I can only hope it would not be called “Ba$ed Body Spray” and would instead be something less predictable. I think he’d do more of a cologne spray a la Demeter, something that doesn’t last long, but you can use copious amounts of. It would smell like coconuts, nettle, nutmeg and maybe like, suede. Wearers would earn a gigantic bear hug from the based god himself and a rap on the spot, probably. I love you Lil B.