Confessions Of A Self-diagnosed Britney Freak

December 2, 2013 • Music

BRITNEY-JEAN

So, I’m sitting here in my childhood room in Pittsburgh aka I’m home for Thanksgiving. And the Britney Spears’ theme remains — there’s the collages made of tween mag cut-outs and the posters, my favorite being the fully-sized, barely legal Britney (complete with midriff and bedroom eyes/perfected pout) plastered on my door that greets you as you enter. There’s also some Britney books (2000’s ‘Heart To Heart,’ which Britney adorably wrote with her mother about their tight relationship is a heart-melting classic) as well as a quite dusty VHS of my MTV ‘Fanatic’ audition in which I danced to Britney’s immaculate coming-of-age banger ‘Overprotected’ and may or may not have belted out her coming-of-age ballad ‘I’m Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman’ on my karaoke machine. Let me add that I was a closeted 7th grader at the time and with a penchant for XXL Sean John and layering chains and diet pills and attending WWF matches and Broadway shows. I was thrilled today when I discovered a Britney doll still in the box perched high on a shelf in my closet chilling with my also still packaged Ginger Spice doll.

We all have freakshow formative year stages, but my Britney obsession lives on… ’till the world ends. (That’s me referencing her smash ‘Til The World Ends’ you guys. I’m a freak, I told you). Yeah. I turned 27 this week. (Britney and I are Sagittarius sisters.) And when I think 27, I think of the 27 club. I’m kind of morbid. I think of 2007/early 2008 during Brit Brit’s dark days which involved her shaving her head/a little dignity, a psych ward and a slew of crotch-shots via exiting Maseratis (‘Work Bitch’ reference) alongside Paris Hilton/LiLo. During this time, I recall writing my final essay — on Godney of course — in some sort of Gender Class taught by the legendary Camille Paglia whilst in a “liberal arts” college called University of the Arts. (LOL.) I think I got an A-. I’d like to say the – is because of my many “she’s going to be okay!,” “I feel the the Holy Spirit in the air!,” and “Don’t call it a comeback.” I didn’t have a Xanax prescription at the time so y’all can imagine my panic attacks as I obsessively scrolled TMZ for the latest Britney unraveling updates. You know, like dating a paparazzo/locking herself into gas station bathrooms with her assistant-of-the-week. Somehow, though, 27 ended up becoming Britney’s ‘comeback’ indeed, and she gifted us with a new weave, abs, and the bouncy ‘Circus’ LP. (In other words, there’s hope for me at 27.) I have Britney getting her shit together to thank for my MTV debut. I was featured on not one, but two MTV Britney fan specials, one in which I gushed about how normal she was, citing her affinity for Velveeta cheese grits. Fun fact: I was approached for these specials, so when I asked the producer why/how MTV had chosen me, I was told I was in their Britney fan files. LMAO. Meaning they’ve got a copy of my aforementioned terrifying ‘Fanatic’ audition. #SoVintage.

Since then, I’ve written many fanatical pieces, one for HuffPo titled ‘The Return of our Perfectly Imperfect Popstar’ (I must confess, I’m proud of that title) and also an album review on BritneySpears.com, her official site. Sad news: Although I’ve befriended Britney’s ex-backup singer and one of her ‘Crossroads’ co-stars, phone stalked her personal assistant (plz call me back Felicia) and maybe visited her hair colorist’s hotel suite (I was not a twink, not yet a man, ok?), I have yet to meet Godney. Still, I feel like I kind of really know her. I check out her biggest fan site probably more than I check my email. Because it’s important to know how Britney’s new extensions are holding up at her sons’ soccer games. What’s not so fun is going in full-on panic mode when seeing Britney chugging a Starbucks Frapp… but then realizing she’s leaving the gym so she deserves a treat! Britney paparazzi shots haven’t been anything salacious post 2007 meltdown though — the biggest pop princess in the universe going to Walmart in a sweats/turtle-neck/Uggs combo just isn’t a front-page headline anymore. Sigh.

“How do you make everything relate to Britney?” is a ridiculous question I hear all. the. time. But it makes sense. I mean, ‘Steel Magnolias’ is on Lifetime/distracting me as I type this and it’s also known as Britney’s favorite film of all time. Although I think as she entered her early twenties it was The Notebook. Did you know she auditioned for the leading role which (unfortunately) went to Rachel McAdams? And, FYI, if Brit Brit had scored the role, she would have been reuniting with her former mouseketeer aka Ryan Gosling. What an opportunity lost. Yeah, I’m a fully functioning Britney freak — I pay my rent and only have one cat, TYVM. There’s just something about the totally normal, totally fucked up, totally talented small-town kid with a big dream who grew up in front of our eyes and into our reigning pop princess. Fuck caviar, pour me some of your homemade southern sweet tea, Brit.

Okay, and now for some truth tea: Britney is amazing and deserves to be celebrated like twice a day. So, in celebration of the release of her 8th studio album, Britney Jean, which she persistently refers to as a gift for the diehard fans/her most PERSONAL record yet, I’d like to gift y’all with some of my favorite un-infamous, obscure to the non-Britney freak moments (that means none of that shimmying-with-snake-around-neck/Madonna make-out shit), all of which should make you appreciate and love our homegirl, Britney Jean Spears, even more.

 


Britney doesn’t wanna be your role model but I want those sunglasses very badly.

 

Making The Video of ‘Crazy’ featuring, um, Melissa Joan Hart.

 

Britney stars in the cutest Japanese commercial ever.


Another amazing Britney commercial that isn’t Pepsi.



Britney twerking on Lettermen’s desk?



Britney JKing about ODing



A jingle about Britney’s Love for Fast Food

 

Britney hates you.


And here’s my favorite Britney performance that you’ll probably not
remember. Wait til the end!!

 

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