Introducing our male advice columnist, Ned Hepburn. He’s here to answer any queries & quandaries relating to the male species.
I have no idea what to get my boyfriend for Christmas.
Moping in Minneapolis
Ok. First of all, hi. Excellent question – is that a question? – that you’ve sent me. Maybe it’s just a statement. Maybe you’re just excited at getting your words out there into the ether and want to leave it at that.
But perhaps you’re actually wondering what to get your boyfriend for Christmas. Well! I can help you there. The good people at The Style Con have given me my own fuckin’ column and are actually paying me in American money which is an entirely new thing.
First of all, don’t buy your boyfriend jewelry. The only two women in a man’s life who are allowed to buy him jewelry are his fiancee and his mother. To that matter, jewelry is an intensely personal thing for a guy – most dudes are pretty damn non-committal so asking a guy to wear a piece of metal FOREVER AND EVER AMEN is not really going to work out. A dude won’t have a box of jewelry like women do. He’ll probably use that necklace to fish his keys out of the plughole. Hey, we’re a practical bunch when it comes down to it.
Secondly, don’t buy your boyfriend clothes unless you are CERTAIN that he will ABSOLUTELY wear those clothes. What’s worse than buying something that somebody hates? I’ll tell you – having a daily reminder of your failure to understand his personal taste hanging in his closet, seen twice daily, and touched but once a year when you ask “Hey why don’t you ever wear that shirt I bought you.”
If you’re going to get clothes for a guy, always get basics. Always. Well made basics items are staples of any dude’s wardrobe. May I suggest a line of shirts by Jung Maven? They’re the most comfortable plain shirts I’ve ever worn. Made from hemp and cotton, they’re soft right off the hanger. Plus, they generally run a size big, so your boyfriend will be thrilled to find out he fits into a “medium” all over again.
Also, they’ll wear that shirt over and over again – a plain white shirt that feels great on the skin will be worn a hundred times. And that’s the kind of gift that keeps on giving, whereas some sort of misguided attempt at male jewelry will only make the wearer look more and more like Russell Brand. And believe, even though that guy gets more pussy than the H.U.M.A.N.E. Society, even he doesn’t want to look like Russell Brand.