Diapers & Eye Patches Are The New Fashion Must-Haves

December 6, 2013 • Fashion

We love Fashion Girls (the editors, the bloggers, the stylists, the why-are-they-at-this-show’s) for making seemingly strange and fashion-irrelevant items absolute must haves: brown paper bags? Jil Sander did ’em. Lohan-inspired alcohol monitoring bracelets? Saw those at Chanel. That cheap plaid you see on laundry bags? Celine. Oversized framed glasses of ’80s movie nerds are somehow sexy, as is wearing a bra over your shirt (Prada) and pants under your skirt (Dior). What will they think of next? I have some ideas.

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We’ve seen a lot of shoe trends: platforms, flatforms, birkenstocks, furkenstocks, running shoes with dresses, whatever those McQueen heelless things were… Why haven’t we seen the fashion community take up heelys? They are perhaps the only shoe more ’90s than jellies, which I hate to tell you, grown women are regularly wearing in 2013.  All the cool kids had ’em growing up so they could roll away from losers like you whose shoes that were (for shame) not also roller-skates. These are, obviously, Louboutin. His signature red sole translates so well to wheels. Bonus: gliding makes for extra great Instagram photos.

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Life Vests

Blue collar fashion is having a major moment: fisherman sweaters, military coats… Sporty materials are everywhere, too. Mesh tops, neoprene dresses–neoprene everything, actually. You don’t want to get left behind, so get ahead of the curve. Take nautical fashion to the next level with Sinking Ship Chic. This piece is so versatile! Make it your 8th layer! It will work so well with the logo tee, denim shirt, 3 sweaters and 2 jackets you already have on. Make the piece transition from day-to-night by taking everything off except the life vest and show a little skin for the night on the town. Go all out with a minimally athletic version by Kenzo.

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Fashion has been stealing from youth culture a lot lately: overalls, babydoll dresses, oxford shoes and cardigans of British School Boys. Why not go even younger? Babies know what’s up. They’re the perfect inspiration for anyone looking for a clean slate. They have perfect skin, and everyone loves them. Don’t keep your diaper hidden, though. Marc Jacobs has been sending pants-less models down his runway for seasons, so show off your legs, which will be much thinner due to your juice cleanse. Comme Des Garçons does volume better than anyone, and this diaper is no exception. A true fashionista mixes high and low, so you can always create this look at the drugstore with Pampers or Huggies if Comme is a bit out of your budget.


Eye Patches

Sunglasses are a Fashionista essential: cat-eye, John Lennon-style round ones, ones that obscure your face on a hungover morning and make you look like an Olsen circa 2004… But everyone has sunglasses, and truly fashion savvy girls know to stand out. Seeing well is a privilege you just don’t need all the time. Enter the eye-patch. It will give you a kind of rough around the edges, Pirate-chic, maybe you were in a sword fight who really knows- vibe. And everyone likes a bit of mystery. This one by Karen Walker, queen of stylish eyewear.


Hospital gowns

Minimalist silhouettes are having a major moment lately. Francisco Costa leads the back at Calvin, and we all follow. Show everyone you know how to budget and are green-friendly by donning a hospital gown come spring. These don’t have much of a waist, so show off your shape by hemming the dress to barely below your labia and pair with your highest heels to add some sex appeal to what could be a shapeless sack. Tie the strings as tight (or as loose, if you’re feeling sexy) as you want.

All illustrations by Hannah Burch

  • Arabelle Sicardi

    this article speaks to me on a profound level

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