The Age Old ‘Ugly Sweater Holiday Party’ / How Do I Get Laid? Question

December 10, 2013 • Fashion

AMERICA FERRERA

I have to go to an Ugly Sweater Holiday party but want to impress a guy I like there and get laid. Help! 
–  Lonesome LA Labia 

First off, that’s an excellent family name. Your birth certificate must be framed above the fireplace. Secondly, the “Ugly Holiday Sweater” party is a competition that dates back centuries. You have to understand that this isn’t about the holidays and that this is An Important Breast Event; as important as your first bra fitting and as important as every “Slutty ____” Halloween party. The “Ugly Holiday Sweater Party” is a near ancient ritual created to show:

  • that you have a sense of humor. 
  • that you aren’t afraid to laugh at yourself. 
  • that you’ve ignored the first two bullet points and are going to win this fucking thing if it kills you.

I suggest you find something mildly terrible but at least one size too small so it shows off your Rudolphs. Do everything in your power to “accidentally” spill wine on other women. Emerge victorious.

But really, it’s all about confidence (and breasts). If you appear confident and charming as opposed to adopting the Rain Man persona that most people revert to when they arrive at parties, then you’re winning the game. If you get a half-decent one-size-too-small sweater from Goodwill with a reindeer on it and can go toe-to-toe with a guy on racy jokes, then you’re bound to get laid.

And third, what are you asking me for? Do you know how simply men’s minds operate? Dude’s are wildly uncomplicated and the ones that are complicated or intend to be complicated are usually the types of dudes who think irony is how pennies taste. I say: just show up and act like Jack Nicholson. Have one glass of wine more than you should and try to steal something small from the location of the party before the end of the night. Maybe enlist your newfound manpanion in on the action when you decide that “we have to steal all of the Q-tips, don’t ask questions.” Men live for that shit. We all live for that shit. It’s called living in the moment and being spontaneous. Don’t overdo it and become an overly whimsical manic pixie wank-fantasy Amelie clone, but have some fun.

There’s a common complaint I’ve heard over the years when women talk about men, and it has to do with what stage in a relationship a woman will eschew make-up around a guy. My theory has always been that as long as you’re yourself and comfortable with that, then I could care less. Same goes with meeting people – either be yourself or don’t be anyone at all. There’s plenty of room for one on the couch at home. Show up and make an effort to make no effort at all. It’s as simple as that.

Read more:
MAT DEVINE’S WEIRD WAR ONE
An Interview with Valentine Lingerie
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