Is there one among us who likens herself to “fashion girls,” or as Merriam-Webster- and one of the industry’s most popular news blogs- coins it, a “fashionista,” sans irony/guilt/head in their hands? And beyond such a gross self-identification, raise your hand if you would also be the type to share ten reasons why dating you is [emoji reading “TOP”] and your kind more worthy than another? Further, please explain why, as women, we must express our superiority above another group of XX chromosomes, and more explicitly, please walk off a cliff if you consider this “team fashion girl” act an expression of your innate girl power.
Two weeks ago, when Harper’s Bazaar’s web editor published “10 Reasons to Date a Fashion Girl.” I nearly gagged on my pumpkin pie, but withheld, because who would actually relate to this moronic garbage, right? Wrong. The post was Facebook shared like wildfire by industry friends, their captions reading like desperate sorority girl shit because the straight guys of Alpha Beta Gamma just can’t appreciate her prints on prints like her gay best friend can, and hell, they better remind them. It was only a few days later when I noticed part two, via i-D online, and what I hoped would be a sardonic take on the tasteless original, but lo and behold, I was treated to a grim lack of grammar and a half-assed, partially disturbing array of industry lady quotes that either a) prove our collective lack of intelligence, or b) lack of imagination. But what’s a little fun and games and vicious over-generalization of an entire industry of vain, diverse women who subsist on hors d’oeuvres and Chanel like water and air?
Toss your feminist virtues aside, because, clearly, we need to present lists to suitors to convince them that we’re worth their time, right? As if 1) we live to please them, and 2) who wouldn’t want to date us and an entire crew of style-distinguished catwalk stalkers? Hence, a list presenting our most lovable attributes- with help from my favorite straight fashion girl avoiding men- plus bonus Clueless quotes. Runway to real way bitches. #fabulous #betch #crazy #sexy #cool #blessed
1. Because she’d rather wear Comme des Garcons than be naked, but at least she’ll do it with a harness and/or PVC bustier overlay. Status before skin, fashion before flesh- and heavens, nude is so S/S ’12, and we both know you don’t date me for recycled trends. What do I look like, the Salvation Army?
2. She’s always late to dinner. Soul Cycle- or was it the internal psychological debate deciding between the symbolic literary message inferred by this or that Olympia Le Tan clutch?- made her do it. One less Grey Goose soda for your check- we’re so thoughtful.
3. Bottom shelf liquor at Opening Ceremony parties, overpriced eponymous champagne cocktails at Le Baron. Welcome to the well life, bitches. Who’s ready for a blackout and/or 24-hour hangover?
4. Blurry runway Instagrams that are like, full-on Monets, paired with nonsensical hashtags and hyperbolic emojis, that will make you wish you never introduced her to your bros and/or pretend you didn’t sign up for any social media. But what’s poorly-photographed catwalk praise of Karlie Kloss when it’s interspersed with so many well made-up selfies? [“girlyoubekillinem” hashtag: optional.]
5. You’ll get to keep that non-vegan cheeseburger all to yourself while she drowns in green juices, almond milk, and organic curly kale. Sexy.
6. Your amateur photo skills will skyrocket when you assist in her #ootd documentation- perhaps you, too, are the next undiscovered Sartorialist? She’s all about developing your secret talents- and bossing you around like the HBIC her editor boss taught her to be.
7. Speaking of, is that Scott, or Tommy Ton, or- holy of holies– Bill Cunningham, over there, behind the foot-long lens and a statuesque platinum blonde in Rochas? And will he take my picture? [Insert bonus boyfriend snack break.] We are so lovingly selfless about giving you your space- and don’t forget my unsweetened iced green tea.
8. Your tech start-up will gain serious traction when you’re hobnobbing, er- standing around awkwardly with socialites and It-girl DJs- at BFA-documented events- the question on everyone’s lips will undoubtedly be: “Who’s that James Dean imitator with the mustard on his mustache holding hands with the day-glo Yohji raver?” Trust fund baby investors will flock.
9. You can be the 24/7/365 star of those Y2K-era makeover reality shows, because every day is an opportunity for upgrading your style quotient when your lady friend must compare you to- gulp- stubbly Williamsburg photo assistants who play bass in a noise band and make their own artisanal moonshine.
10. She’s always behind on her bills, but who cares when your date is the only one wearing next season’s yet-to-be-produced Dior heels on loan from Raf himself? Come. On. Man.
And when all else fails, remember that there’s nothing better than dating a shallow, materialistic social climber draped in paint-stroked Celine. The devil wears Prada, right?