I’ve had it with you, Internet sluts.
Look, I know I’ve posted a few half naked photos of myself on Instagram, but I don’t do it every other fucking day. I’ve put up photos from modeling jobs that I really liked, and some stupid selfies (I hate that I said that word) with my cat. I’m a girl and I need attention, who doesn’t? The shit that drives me fucking bananas are girls who take photos of themselves in bed, wearing sexy bras and TONS of makeup, with the caption “goodnight xoxo.” You are not sleeping in that uncomfortable push-up bra. You are definitely not wearing your makeup to bed, dummy. Don’t try to fool us into thinking you look amazing after washing your face and putting on prescription anti-wrinkle cream that smells like wet aspirin. This goes for bubble baths too. Your mascara would be dripping down your face Fairuza Balk circa The Craft style if you were genuinely taking a bath. Stop it with that nonsense.
As for you, slutty Twitter girls, this needs to stop. I’m all for the self-deprecating humor, but I think some of you are taking it a little too far with your slutty spinster persona. I’ve seen so many tweets that are basically delivering the message, “fuck me, I have no self-respect.” I recently saw tweets from a girl that said “RT if you’ll sleep with me,” and “My dad beat me with a belt LOL” and “I was in an abusive relationship, Happy Thanksgiving.” Oh, and those were all in the same week. Give me a fucking break.
A friend of mine coined the term, “Smelly Twitter Girls.” He didn’t have to describe the kinds of girls that fit into this category because it’s obvious. These are the girls who follow mostly guys they think would fuck them. Their profile pic is really cute and usually has tons of cleavage in it. Here’s the twist: they look NOTHING like that in real life. I was hanging out with some pals at a bar recently and a guy I knew brought a girl with him that I didn’t know. She introduced herself to me and an hour later mentioned that we had exchanged messages. I asked her name again, and when she told me I had to think for a minute, but then knew who she was. I did the whole, “Ohhhhh yeah! Sorry my brain’s not working today.” When I was really thinking, “Wow you are WAY fatter than your profile pic.” I pictured this girl as really attractive, stylish, outgoing, and extremely sexually blunt. She was none of those things. I was catfished! Where’s Nev and Max?!?!?
(One time Nev picked me up for a date on his motorcycle and we ate cupcakes. True story.)
Nothing good will come from a girl tweeting about how lonely she is or how much she loves giving blowjobs. If you complain about guys using you for sex, the first step to solving this problem is to stop tweeting about how much guys use you for sex. Duh.
On a completely unrelated note: I’m listening to R. Kelly’s new album Black Panties and there’s an amazing slow jam called “Cookie” where he sings about licking the cream in the center of an Oreo. Do you think Oreo is a metaphor for pussy? But seriously, that song is really good.
The guys who entertain the smelly twitter girls are just as bad. You know you’re taking advantage of a girl who will definitely get attached to you, so maybe stop to think before you go over to her smelly apartment to have awkward sex. The whole hooking up on Twitter thing is nauseating. It’s the same group of guys hooking up with the same sad group of girls. I see it in my timeline and all I can do is roll my eyes. It’s so predictable what will happen. They’ll hook up, the guy won’t call her, and she’ll tweet about how she hates men. Have some fucking respect for yourself. But if you genuinely LOVE fucking weird random twitter dudes who claim they can get you a job, don’t let me get in your way. I don’t know a single woman who has succeeded by degrading herself on the Internet, so maybe think about that the next time you tweet about how much you love dick.