Tis the season to be jolly, and, if you have the money, utterly ridiculous with your spending. You’ve probably been bombarded with what must feel like a million holiday gift guides at this point, but you can never have too many overpriced, unimaginative gift options for the holidays. Forget handmade cards and family trips to Disneyland—it’s clear that the perfect gifts are the ones that require lots of money and very little thought.
1) Anything from Yoko Ono for Opening Ceremony
How much it will cost you: $102. This is the sale price, which means that these hideous outfits were actually more expensive at one point.
The perfect gift for: someone you really, really hate.
Buy this if: you want to humiliate someone and a chicken suit isn’t available.
2) Hermes colouring book
How much it will cost you: $140
The perfect gift for: children who are already using words like “salmon” and “blood orange” to describe crayon colours.
Buy this if: you want your baby to be able to custom design their own Birkin bag by age 7.
3) Hermes baby bib
How much it will cost you: $225
The perfect gift for: a baby with exceptional table manners.
Buy this if: you plan to let your baby eat pureed food from Tiffany china.
4) Lanvin sneakers for babies
How much it will cost you: $395
The perfect gift for: a baby whose feet will actually be able to accommodate Lanvin sneakers for more than two weeks.
Buy this if: you love the idea of a baby running through mud and dog poo in shoes by Lanvin, France’s oldest couture house. I’m sure that’s exactly what Jeanne Lanvin had in mind for her company.
5) Gucci teddy bear
How much it will cost you: $650-750
The perfect gift for: children who wear Lanvin sneakers.
Buy this if: Paddington Bear is just too low-rent for your taste.
6) Any bag from Stella McCartney
How much it will cost you: $1000+
The perfect gift for: a woman who wants to feel as luxurious as her meat-eating, Birkin-carrying friends, without feeling guilty for the death of a cow or large reptile.
Buy this if: you’re more PETA than Prada, but don’t mind carrying what is essentially an expensive plastic bag over your shoulder.
7) A designer t-shirt
How much it will cost you: $300-$1500
The perfect gift for: anyone who will appreciate the cotton, rayon and polyester blend of a luxury t-shirt.
Buy this if: you have either the time to handwash a t-shirt, or the funds to constantly drop it off for dry cleaning.
8) A Chanel resin shell clutch
How much it will cost you: $33,000 for the standard; $48,000 for the embellished version
The perfect gift for: anybody who plans to wear an expensive Little Mermaid costume next Halloween.
Buy this if: you already have one of everything else in the Chanel boutique (“store” is just too provincial).
9) Anything from the Neiman Marcus fantasy catalogue
How much it will cost you: $11,000 – $2.7 million
The perfect gift for: anybody who lives in the one per cent of the one percent.
Buy this if: you followed the global Occupy movement and didn’t learn a single thing.
How much it will cost you: a very good lawyer, a very stupid judge, and your dignity.
The perfect gift for: anyone who is reckless enough to find themselves in this predicament, and rich enough to buy their way out.
Buy this if: you are facing 20 years in jail for being hideously stupid. For those who don’t know what I’m talking about: a 16-year-old Texan boy named Ethan Couch was found guilty of going 70 miles per hour in his father’s car, driving with a blood alcohol level of 0.24 (three times the legal limit for an adult) and with Valium in his system. He struck and killed four people. His lawyer successfully argued that he was the victim of “affluenza” because his parents had never taught him the consequences of drinking alcohol and taking the car out for a joy ride with friends. No big deal. Instead, Ethan Couch was given 10 years’ probation and time in a rehab facility that costs $450,000 a year, which, of course, daddy will pay for.
So I guess a crapload of money really can buy you just about anything this Christmas!