Melissa Stetten On The 12 Days of Being Single

December 17, 2013 • Love & Sex

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This is the first Christmas in six years that I don’t have a boyfriend.  I don’t know why everyone makes such a big deal about having a significant other during the holidays.  It’s so much more fun drinking eggnog and watching Tim Allen’s Oscar-Worthy performance in “The Santa Clause” all by yourself.  I had to Google how that was spelled and just realized why it’s spelled clause instead of claus.  Feeling really great about where my life is headed, guys.

I like having time to myself and I rarely feel lonely.  Walter White once said, (yes, I’m about to quote Breaking Bad) “I like to be alone at times.  It’s not about you really.  It’s just that sometimes it feels better not to talk at all about anything, to anyone.”  My abiding belief is that people who need constant interaction have an unnatural emotional and physical dependence on other people.  I don’t need to be around people as much as I want to be around people.  I don’t pursue them for companionship from this frantic need to be validated, and I consider that a positive trait.  The holidays especially exacerbate loneliness, which makes single people feel unnecessarily vulnerable.

I don’t like chaos, crowds, or being forced into conversations with strangers.  I dread it, actually.  I’m not anti-social by any means, but I’m far more sensitive than the majority of my outgoing friends.  If I’m taken off-guard and thrown into a situation where I have to converse with a shit ton of strangers or sit at a dinner table with ten people I barely know, I will shut down and try to find the easiest way out.  I’m getting anxiety thinking about all my exes’ family members I had to force conversations with.  I don’t like that solitude has a stigma around it.  Personal growth is best achieved in seclusion.  Or at least that’s what I keep telling myself.

I really dislike holidays, so here are twelve reasons why it’s better to be single during Christmas:

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1.  MORE MONEY FOR YOURSELF, DUH

No need to worry about finding an impressive gift for your boyfriend because you don’t have one.  Use that money to buy yourself those leather Rag & Bone pants you’ve been wanting for months. You earned it, gurl! (I just earned myself some douche chills for saying that.)

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2. NO UNCOMFORTABLE FAMILY PARTIES

I’ve only been comfortable around one of my boyfriend’s families, and they were Italians who loved alcohol and yelling.  Who wouldn’t want to be around that all the time? There’s nothing worse than eating dinner with your new boyfriend’s parents who ask you too many questions.  “What did you go to school for? What do your parents do? What do you do?”  I usually make up something a little more intriguing than, “I dropped out of college, my dad makes hospital beds or something, and I’m a should-be retired model who writes about how much I hate my job.” Instead, I’ll be home with my cat watching bootleg screeners this year.

3. BEING ABLE TO TURN THE HEAT ON

I’m a woman therefore I love my home being seventy-five degrees.  Fuck the guys who like keeping it at sixty-eight because it’s great to sleep in.  I don’t have any fucking muscle or fat to insulate my bones.  My body temperature is similar to that of a shaved cat in an igloo.

4. LESS EATING, MORE PILATES

You won’t have all those family dinners to attend and mashed potatoes to eat.  Getting in a pilates class on Christmas Eve won’t be a problem if you’re not figuring out what to wear to your boyfriend’s great aunt’s house.

5. NO TRAVELING, NO ARGUING

I’m a fucking pro when it comes to traveling, but lots of people aren’t.  I’m really controlling and impatient whenever airports are involved because I have a shit ton of Virgin America points from flying so much.  I’m waiting at the terminal within twenty minutes of airport drop-off.  You won’t have to get into arguments about who gets the window seat or be annoyed at each other simply because you’re tired from traveling.

6. NO VAGINA SHAVING

This is just self-explanatory.

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7. MARIAH CAREY

Wanna bump “All I Want For Christmas Is You” thirty times in a row? Do it. Ain’t nobody gonna tell you no.

8. CHRISTMAS TREES ARE MURDER

Since you’re single, you don’t live with a boyfriend who thinks a Christmas tree is necessary to put in your house.  Who wants a dying tree staring at you all day long?  It’s more of a symbol of death than wealth, don’t you think? Hey, this just got real dark.

9. MAYBE IT’S NOT THAT GREAT

Okay, so maybe having a boyfriend isn’t so terrible if you have “The Lord of the Rings” box set and need someone to watch all three movies and the extra twenty hours footage with.

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10. I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE

I can’t think of any more reasons why it’s great to be single on Christmas, so eleven and twelve are just going to be random thoughts.

11. BLUE IS THE WARMEST COLOR IS SO AMAZING

It’s a French movie that was nominated for best foreign film.  I don’t want to give away any spoilers, but if watching nearly three hours of lesbian porn sounds good to you, then you are in for a treat.  Also, the plot and characters and other stuff were really great.  Tip: Definitely don’t watch this on an airplane.

12. I MISS HAVING A BOYFRIEND YOU GUYS

Yeah, okay this sucks, who doesn’t love holding hands and kissing in the snow? I hate you for making me feel like this, materialistic holiday demons. Fuck this. I’m going to lay in bed and text the Grinch “u up?”

 

 

  • CoolBeans

    No one to social climb or star fuck for the holidays? I’m sorry Melissa!

  • érika

    it reminds me of this quote:

    “A man can be himself only so long as he is alone; and if he does not love solitude, he will not love freedom; for it is only when he is alone that he is really free.” a.schopenhauer

    off topic: what’s that guy’s problem? v #butthurtstalker lol

  • Only one thought: You’re a damn good writer. Caught my attention with Max Landis snark (fuck that guy), held it strong with twenty-something Nora Ephron relatability. I’m glad StyleCon pointed me to your Op/Eds. You’re a good writer. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

    • CoolBeans

      Except for the good writer part, don’t listen to anyone who tell you that.

  • CoolBeans

    What about being a social climbing starfucker? How does that work into the 12 days of Christmas?

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