Melissa Stetten’s 2013 Lists: Introverts, R. Kelly & George Costanza

December 19, 2013 • Culture

There are two things I love about the end of the year: being an asshole and reading lists.  For some reason I always get excited about Pitchfork’s music lists, but every year they are a huge disappointment filled with musicians I pretend to know a lot about.  Seriously, who the fuck is Forest Swords?!?  There are all sorts of lists about what to buy your shitty boss for Christmas without looking like a suck-up, or how to be alone during the holidays (mine was the best by the way).

I’m going to add to the lists by making a list of the top five 2013 lists.

 

2013 lists

5. 23 Signs You Are Secretly An Introvert:

For some reason being an introvert was really popular this year.  I keep taking tests and reading the personality traits of introverts just to keep reassuring myself I am one.  Guess what, no one cares about your personality type except you.  So go ahead and try to associate yourself with as many of these traits as possible and post it to Facebook.  Nothing says validation like a bunch of strangers “liking” your posts.  My favorite things about the extrovert/introvert lists are the ones named “ACTUAL Signs You’re An Introvert,” which are basically cock blocking other lists.

 

2013 lists

4. The Top 15 Worst Things R. Kelly Has Ever Done:

Okay, so technically it’s not a list, but an in depth article about R. Kelly’s numerous child porn charges.  I thought Kells only peed in like one or two girls mouths, but I had no idea about his crazy history of being an actual rapist.  I’ve been a fan of his since 12 Play.  I saw him in concert a few years ago and Trapped in the Closet is one of my favorite things ever.  Since reading this article, my support for him has definitely dwindled.  I was pretty excited about his latest album, but I can no longer listen to his music without feeling like a rapist support.  Sorry, Kells, I see a lot of things wrong with your bumping and grinding.

 

2013 lists

3. NPR’s Favorite Albums of 2013

Pitchfork said Vampire Weekend was the best album of 2013.  No, Pitchfork, there were so many better albums.  This NPR list has great albums that definitely deserve to be named some of the best: Haim, Chance the Rapper, Blood Orange, and Rhye.  NPR doesn’t try to be hip by naming super inconspicuous musicians that literally no one has heard of.

 

2013 lists

2. The 42 Most Important Dunks of 2013

Buzzfeed is ridiculous.  They are becoming a parody of themselves.  To have a list calling dunks important is SO Buzzfeed.  They are notorious for having lists called “25 Ways This Cat Thinks It’s Sushi” and “8 Best Things To Do With A Roomba.”  I love basketball and never get sick of seeing bitchin’ dunks.  Is it legal to say “bitchin’ dunks?”

 

2013 lists

1. 35 Ways You Are A Young George Costanza

I’m biased on this one.  Any list mentioning Seinfeld is a great list in my eyes.  This one shows gifs of George in his best moments.  It might be my favorite list of all time, actually.  It’s a completely relatable list because there’s a part of George Costanza in all of us.

  • mark holgate

    forest swords is incredible!

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