Men can get off with just about anything; their dry wind-chapped hand, a bizarre homemade Fleshlight-like device, some dudes (alright, boys) even fuck their couch pillows. So when men are presented with the opportunity for actual human on human copulation, orgasm is pretty much a sealed deal. Of course I am speaking generally, some men suffer from erectile dysfunction, or can’t get off due to alcohol intoxication, SSRIs, or various other physical or emotional explanations. However, it is safe to say that men come more easily than women. Can you imagine a chick gyrating into an apple pie and getting off?
In the proper mood, being thrown over and straight up pounded is super hot. There is no shame in wanting to feel like a dirty whore during sex sometimes, it is a common and natural fantasy. Nor is there shame in raw animalistic “just pull my panties to the side and stick it in me” sex, humans are in fact, animals. However, such sex must come from a place of healthy, mutual desire. One of the worst experiences a woman can have during sex is being on her back biting her lip or fighting back tears as her partner thrusts above her without making eye contact. We are not receptacles. We are equal partners in intercourse, and while our anatomies are more complicated and our orgasms harder to achieve, that doesn’t mean we don’t deserve them. Even if it can’t happen every time, at least pay attention to my body. If you want to impress me, at least pretend to try and make me come.
Early in relationships, this phenomenon seems to be less of a problem, perhaps in an effort to impress the woman. Some men live by the rule of making the girl finish first, such as comedian Marc Maron describes in his recent book Attempting Normal. (Hi Marc, if you ever need a guest for your WTF podcast I am available). I met someone who after I went down on him, rather than fall straight into a snoring post-orgasm slumber, flipped me over and returned the experience. That won him big points. If early into seeing a guy he only treats you like a hole – run, he only sees you as one. Speaking in terms of relationships rather than casual sex (casual sex is totally cool, if it’s what you want and are engaging in from a healthy place) the difficulty in relationships arises in not becoming lazy and permanently exchanging oral sex marathons for Netflix marathons. Women are guilty too in the decline of effort, the “you get blowjobs in the previews, but not the feature film” joke does hold some truth.
To maintain the female orgasm throughout the progression of dating, women do have responsibilities. To start, unless it seriously makes you uncomfortable (as in sex you should never engage in something that makes you uncomfortable) let him go down on you. Yes, your vagina smells. As long as it is healthy, it smells like delicious vagina, which contrary to assumptions is actually a huge turn on for most men. Men love the smell of pussy. One of the first men I dated in New York was so obsessed with the smell of my vagina, I could audibly hear him sniffing while he went down on me. I’m open-minded, and liked him, so I rolled with it. Again, we are animals, they are programmed to. Your vagina is also beautiful, I’m bi, I’ve seen some, so overcome any insecurities of having a smelly or ugly vagina and let the guy go down on you for fuck’s sake. Most men wish they could walk around the streets with someone sitting on their face, as I was once told eloquently by a personal trainer, who on second thought, probably is more used to bodily smells than say, a lawyer. So get over your vagina insecurities, and relax during oral sex, because the tongue, lips, even slight teeth use creates sensations the penetration of a penis cannot replicate. I personally enjoy the use of fingers when someone is going down on me, for the joint sensation of penetration and clitoral stimulation.
All women are different. When I am first seeing someone, they may not use their fingers when going down on me, perhaps because it was a technique their ex wasn’t into (or maybe their ex was an uptight clean freak who wouldn’t let them near their vagina without spending 30 minutes scrubbing it in the shower first and said ‘I’m not that type of girl’ when he tried to go down on her) and they aren’t used to it. That’s why as women, we should not be afraid to ask for what we want and express what makes us feel good. And men – it is your job to listen. We are not criticizing you, we are simply trying to convey what works for us, as you may vocalize what feels good or doesn’t when getting a blowjob. Do you think men feel embarrassed when they order you ‘faster’ seconds before blowing their load? No, they are just thinking about getting off, and perhaps we should take a page from them. Communication is key.
There may be times, especially early on, when you are tempted to fake an orgasm. Don’t. I have been guilty of it in the past, someone has been going down on me for what seems like an hour, I know it’s just not going to happen, yet want to give them an A for effort so fake it. I totally get it, but if faking it becomes a pattern, you are doomed to an orgasm-less relationship where a man thinks he is doing what works for you when he’s not, or at some point you are going to have to come clean that you are a big fat faker. That happened with me and someone I dated in high school, and because I was young and too scared to speak up, I ended up faking it for months, which is fucking exhausting. There is no award for acting during sex, unless you work in porn.
Working past insecurities and communication are two of the best things you can do to increase female orgasms. Another is to remove judgement. While yes, the g-spot does exist and internal orgasms can occur, a majority of women need clitoral stimulation to get off, and this can’t occur with plain ole’ P in V sex. The easiest way to work in clitoral stimulation is to rub your clit during sex, or depending on the position, have your partner do it. Women, don’t be afraid to show your guy what hand technique you use when masturbating, and men, don’t be too big of a pussy to listen, watch, and learn. For me, the best way I’ve learned to teach a guy what works is to place their hand over mine as I touch myself, so they learn to mimic my movements.
Oh, and if you aren’t already masturbating, START! Don’t you dare rely on a man to figure out what gets you off, spend some quality alone time and learn yourself. My first orgasm happened when I was casually touching myself out of curiosity in ninth grade and all of a sudden, without warning, BOOM I came and my world was forever changed. Now after 10+ years of experience I can teach a partner exactly what I require, so long as they are willing to listen.
If you want more orgasms, you also have to be really open minded, babes. That’s why I was so cool with the sniffing sounds during oral sex with that guy, he was great at it. Yes, sometimes a guy will go down on you for an hour and nothing will happen. Sometimes, perhaps out of boredom, or as I’ve experienced, you’re on a medication that makes achieving orgasm more difficult, whatever it may be, you can rub your clit all you want and nothing is going to happen. Thankfully, we now live in a society where sex toys can be purchased (Babeland is my go-t0), porn is an incognito browser away, and it is becoming more and more acceptable to be open with kinks. If orgasms and sexual enjoyment with your partner in general has plateaued, don’t be afraid to experiment. Use a vibrator on your clit during sex. Watch porn together as part of foreplay. I once had a birthday party for Sasha Grey where my ex and I just watched all her work then had the most amazing sex afterwards. Accept that a desire to be teased and dominated is normal, or whatever your personal fantasy is, and go there.
To restate: Penises are pretty simple. Vaginas are not. Unless we have agreed that you are just going to tie me up, spank me, and hit it from behind, be it your first time in my bed or after five years of dating, acknowledge that I too deserve an orgasm, and at least try to give me one. The male to female orgasmic scale may always be tipped more heavily in the dick direction, but through communication, removing insecurities, experimentation and lack of judgement, we can work to make that scale resemble something of a straight line.