Melissa Stetten Writes An Open Letter To Santa Claus

December 24, 2013 • Culture




I had a boyfriend who didn’t get me Christmas or birthday gifts, and his excuse was, “Well, I took you to blah blah last month so that’ll be your birthday gift,” and, “I got you that thing last week so that’ll be your Christmas gift.” Look, I’m always thankful for guys doing ANYTHING nice for me, but when it’s Christmas day and I don’t even have one present to open it’s sad. I don’t have a large family and rarely see them for the holidays, so Christmas is awful anyway.  Even if you got me a burned copy of Beyonce and wrapped it with newspaper, it would make me hate Christmas a little less.

So, Santa, if you’d like to stop by my shitty Koreatown apartment on Christmas Eve, this is what I would like:




Remember in Diddy’s Making The Band where he made “Da Band” walk twelve miles to Brooklyn to get him some cheesecake?  Then Dave Chappelle made a hilarious sketch about it?  Well, I just had Junior’s cheesecake for the first time, two fucking hours ago.  I don’t know what kind of heroin they put in their cheesecake, but it was one of the best things I have ever eaten.



Screen Shot 2013-12-24 at 10.26.58 AM

After eating cheesecake, I was waiting for the subway and decided to get rid of the iPhone case I had been using that was given to me a few months ago by a guy I dated.  That guy happened to be a horrible human being who did and said emotionally and physically degrading things to me that only therapy will be able to solve.  Trying to rid my life of him has been difficult, to the point of having to get rid of my iPhone case that he gave me because any thought of him makes me want to die.  So, Santa, I need a new iPhone 4S case.




I just joined a basketball team and I need some sick Jordans so I don’t look wack.  I haven’t played since high school but I will challenge anyone to a game of PIG.  Oh, you can’t picture skinny zit-faced Melissa being the only white girl on the basketball team making every free throw? Well, deal with it, because it’s the truth.




Like, $1000 or something.  Actually, make that $2000.  Rag & Bone jeans aren’t cheap and I definitely could use a new Alexander Wang Bag.  I’m really in need of some new Golden Goose shoes too.  I’ve been wearing the same ones for two years, and God forbid I wear anything on my feet less than $500.




My current laptop is three years old and full of too much shit like the entire David Bowie Discography that I downloaded one drunken night.  It’s so slow that sometimes it takes like four minutes to open Photoshop so I can use the clone stamp tool to get red of zits on pictures of my face.  I don’t have time for that bullshit and neither does my slowly depreciating modeling career.




It’s only been three years since their last show, but I really miss James Murphy and his funky bunch. If you haven’t seen Shut Up and Play the Hits, I highly recommend it.  It’s a documentary about their last day being a band.  I own all of their albums on Vinyl (that I play on my 1960 Magnavox record player, haters) and every live show I’ve seen has been great.  They will always be one of my favorite bands, even though I had to wait twenty minutes to use the bathroom at Jeremy Scott’s after party during Coachella 2010 because James Murphy was in there doing coke.  Happy holidays everyone.

  • CoolBeans

    It’s hard to comment with anything except you are are the most vapid, narcissistic, shallow piece of shit, merry Christmas! That here has not been one post on here that hasn’t involved you talking about your body, shit about your ex boyfriends, or material possessions.
    I hope you learn how to be funny or a good writer or add some value to the world besides being an anorexic real doll with bad skin. Good luck! Happy new year!

  • Jess pierce

    @coolbeans And let’s not forget the constant name-dropping! She’s Completely transparent.

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