Melissa Stetten Answers Your Reddit Sex Questions II

January 2, 2014 • Love & Sex

It’s amazing the shit people will talk about on the ‘net.  Who says ‘net still?  What am I, Sandra Bullock in the 1995 cyber thriller The Net?  Man, what a great movie.  Well, to kick off 2014, I thought I’d answer some more ridiculous sex questions from Reddit:



My GF likes to pretend she’s a concentration camp prisoner during sex and it’s starting to mess with my head.

My GF is Jewish, she will ask me to handcuff her naked to the shower and then I whip her with a riding crop and threaten to turn on the shower which we pretend is gas. She then bargains with me to save her and I have sex with her or she goes down on me. She likes it when I yell German words at her.  She ordered me a German WWII Nazi officer uniform too. I think this was where it got too weird for me. I don’t know what to do.



Dear Ok_this_is_weird,

 Your girlfriend is nuts.  I’ve never actually met anyone or heard of anyone handcuffing his girlfriend to the shower and pretending like it’s Auschwitz.  I can sort of see how wearing a Nazi uniform and yelling stuff in German could be a turn on. The shower part is just too fucking weird. That’s some serial killer shit.  If I were you I would sit her down, and ask her very nicely, “WAS ZUM FICK IST LOS MIT DIR?!?” That means what the fuck is wrong with you in German.  That psycho would probably enjoy it.



My GF thinks it’s okay to have sex with a tampon in.

We’ve done this a few times and it is not so good. The slippery stuff can’t flow outwards because the whole system is basically plugged, so getting a penis in there requires a lot of patience and effort. Eventually though, it gets in there. It feels different, but not that different. I don’t know where the tampon goes. Vaginas are crazy. Do other girls do this?



Dear Tookthefunoutofthat, 

One of my friends got super drunk and had sex one night.  She also smoked tons of pot and left a window open for five days while I was in Yosemite, so my cat could get outside.  She’s a huge idiot.  For two weeks after she had sex, she would complain about excruciating pain in her stomach and a gross smell coming out of her vagina. Anyway, one day something fell out of her vag and she realized it was a tampon that got stuck in her from having sex.  It’s incredibly dangerous to leave tampons in.  I also agree that, “vaginas are crazy.”



What are your suggestions of short “dirty talk phrases” to use during sex?

My girlfriend is tentative about talking dirty during sex because she just doesn’t know what to say. I’m looking for short phrases that aren’t super vulgar or super corny to introduce. My girl has recently started saying thank you. Over and over. Like a starving person who was given food. Very hot.



Dear Fattyfatmantis, 

Here are things that have been said to me that I enjoy: “Girl lemme put my D in you.” “Yeah girl I’m gonna tear dat pussy up.” “You smell like roses and donuts and shit.”   Also, girls like when you talk about engagement rings and getting married.  Maybe try saying something like, “I can’t wait to marry your sexy ass, bitch.” Those will go over very well.



Is anyone else aroused by the sound of neighbors having sex?

I just moved into an apartment building, and I have some neighbors that enjoy loud, rough sex. I have to admit – the sounds never annoy me. In fact, they arouse me. Well, OK, it’s a little annoying sometimes, but only because it reminds me that I’m not getting any!



Dear Halgenstein,

My friend has neighbors who always eat right after having sex.  One time I heard them fucking and then like two minutes after, the chick was yelling to the guy, “Babe, do you want the chicken or the salad?”  I’ve never been turned on from hearing neighbors having sex.  I used to have awful, gross, drug addict neighbors that used to have SO MUCH sex.  The last thing I wanted to do was picture them having disgusting meth sex while listening to the most awful techno music in the world.



I accidentally peed inside a girl during drunk sex.

I thought I was going to cum, but when I did it felt more like peeing and she said something like “that’s a lot of cum” and “the bed is so messy.” We took a shower afterwards and she did not seem weirded out. Do I have an obligation to tell her?



Dear Peedduringsex,

I like that you had to post this on Reddit to get opinions.  It’s gross.  Don’t tell her. Ignorance is bliss. I wouldn’t want to know if some dude peed in me, no girl would. Also: ewwwwwwwww!

Read more:
Poetry Month and the Holy Trinity of Aggregate Ass
Kate Upton for Sports Illustrated, or Dear God, Why Do You Hate Muni Zubir?


All Aboard.

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