Melissa Stetten: Should I get married or have kids? I have no fucking idea.

January 9, 2014 • Love & Sex

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My sister is visiting from Yosemite, staying at my apartment with my roommate/best friend.  We all grew up in Kalamazoo together.  Can you imagine the Midwestern accents happening right now?  I’ve said, “pop” like twenty times just today.  Did you know that everyone from Michigan has a secret stash of Faygo? Yes, that’s the stuff that the Insane Clown Posse drinks.  Man, it’s so good.

Being from the Midwest means every girl I grew up with is married and has at least two kids.  I have one cat.  I actually had another one but she disappeared four years ago and I’m assuming a coyote ate her.  I still have no idea what happened to her and think about it more than I should. DEPRESSING! LOL!  That incident made me realize how much anxiety I would have if I were in charge of a helpless baby.  Well, the baby couldn’t stroll out of the house and get eaten by animals, but I would be so paranoid that would happen.  They have prescriptions for that right?

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My sister wants children, and I probably want to have children.  I do know that I really want to coach a little league team and buy mini Marc Jacobs clothes.  But at the same time, I don’t feel that my life is AT ALL in a place where I’m ready to turn my focus over to someone else.  I’ve just barely started feeling confidence in myself and I want to take advantage of not feeling insecure anymore.  I feel like a twenty-year old sometimes.  I still consider myself a kid.  When my mom was my age, she had a seven year old and a five year old.  I can’t imagine how fucked up my children would have been if they had to be around me during my bouts of depression.  How could I have been a role model like that?

When I talk to people who want kids, the common theme seems to be that they want to be better to their kids than their parents were to them.  I get that.  Sometimes I feel that way, but I also know the circumstances my parents were in when they had to raise my sister and I.  They weren’t in a position to give us anything we wanted.  They were young and they had to work.  They did the best with what money they had, and I appreciate every day that I was never handed anything.

I always look at spoiled kids and think, “what the hell are their parents teaching them?” But I have no idea that if I had the means to spoil my kid, I would or wouldn’t.  That’s where parenting comes in and is extremely important.  Sure, not having new things and always eating generic cereal growing up makes me appreciate what I have now, but I wouldn’t want my child to feel inferior.  I also don’t think I want my children growing up in smoggy Los Angeles or garbage smelling New York City.  But in order for that to happen, I would have to move somewhere myself, and there’s no way I’m ready for that.

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It seems that the common age for women to have children now is no later than thirty-five.  I know I don’t want to have an alien growing inside me when I’m forty.  That sounds like a nightmare.  So does this mean I have to find a husband and get married within the next six-seven years?  That sounds absolutely horrifying.  I wish there was a life schedule I could look at.  iCal needs to step up their game.

  • ClockworkAvian

    Skip the schedule, adopt later.

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