If you, like me, went to a Catholic high school, you might have learned that abstinence was the best way to prevent all that icky stuff that came along with jumping some other undeveloped teenager’s bones. Yes, abstinence was – and is — 100% proven to prevent pregnancy (oops), diseases (ew), and fun (bummer). And no fun is no fun in my book. That’s why the whole abstinence thing was so wholly unrealistic. The only people I knew in high school practicing abstinence were only practicing it accidentally, which means they only accidentally didn’t get Chlamydia their junior year and only accidentally didn’t get pregnant before their 18th birthday. If they could have, they would have (maybe not the STDs and babies, but certainly the sex). Because we all know, once someone opens those pleasure gates, there’s no turning back. We humans are a weak and difficult breed, inevitably destined for hell. Embrace it.
This is the stance I’ve decided to take with drugs. Living in an overfed, over-moneyed, over-bored society, people are going to do drugs. Hell, even in struggling, lower-income brackets drugs rule supreme. You know why? Because reality sucks. What’s better than reality? Drugs. Reality is like cutting a check for $3,441 in estimated tax payments. What would have been better than reality? Maybe sitting in your bedroom and doing some heroin until your eyes roll back in your head so that you might better assess the cracks in your ceiling. Not a firm suggestion, but a suggestion nonetheless.
Which brings me to the point of this piece. Beauty advice! Drugs, like sex, might just be something that you’re going to do anyway. And I can sit here and tell you things like “Blah blah blah you’re destroying your life” and “Blah blah blah you’re liquefying your organs,” but who wants to hear that? Not a drug addict, that’s for sure. If you’ve got a problem, don’t fix it — just cover it up! Don’t ever let that bad habit get in the way of you looking good.
Herewith, my beauty advice for the less charming side effects of heroin abuse.*
Concealer: Yves Saint Laurent TOUCHE ÉCLAT
Everyone loves a great zombie movie. Zombieland, 28 Days Later, Sean of the Dead. They’re all swell. But people don’t actually like real life zombies. Avoid being mistaken for one with this purse-friendly pen that “brings light and radiance to the skin,” even if your downer of an existence looks more like a black hole sucking happiness into infinite, unseen depths.
Mouth Care: Biotene Dry Mouth Mouthwash
Man, I get this. Back in high school when my buds used to do bong rips on the regs they often suffered from dry mouth. This might also be on account of the number of Famous Amos cookies they subsequently stuffed down their throats without the intelligent luxury of milk or appropriate various dessert accoutrements, BUT, specific origin notwithstanding, this is an inconvenience I can relate to. Your heroin-induced dry mouth can cause a whole host of unpleasantries, like lips cracked like old leather shoes and breath that will scare away children if they haven’t already been warned by your parents to stay the hell away from you. Biotene makes great products for those who suffer similarly.
Lips: Aesop Tuberose Lip Heal
When your parched pout needs more than just the regular dab of drugstore chapstick, nothing but Aesop’s Lip Heal will do. This roll-on lip saver uses all natural ingredients, unlike what you’re probably shooting into your veins, which, if you’re getting cheap street shit cut with strychnine and other poisons, is not the case for your drugs. Remember, life is all about balance.
Lips: NARS Satin Lip Pencil in Luxembourg
After you’ve moisturized, seduce your mate with this titillating shade. Or, you know, turn that frown upside down by drawing on a smiley face. People will appreciate your efforts.
Eye Care: FreshLook Color Contact Lenses
I know, I know. Tre ‘90s, you say. Aaliyah (bless her) was all about it. But don’t let a trend as horrible and dated as a pair of Jinco pants steer you away from a perfectly fine opportunity to help conceal the fact that your pupils have contracted into beady little pinholes.
Are you tired of looking like gravity is pulling on you more relentlessly than everyone else? If you’ve got the cash to spring for a different kind of needle-injected toxin, I’m 130% recommending BOTOX® for the wealthy junkie. Because nothing quite alleviates the thousand-yard stare of someone drowning in their own self loathing quite like a few shots of botulinum to the forehead, keeping your eyes looking bright, even when your life is dark and sad.
*Drug abuse is actually, contrary to the nature of this piece, not a terribly funny condition. If you know someone with a problem, please consult the National Institute on Drug Abuse, where you’ll find a wealth of information by people who actually know what they’re talking about.