Melissa Stetten on Vagina Responsibilities

January 23, 2014 • Love & Sex

Being the owner of a vagina, I get stressed out from all the vagina responsibilities that come with it.  You can’t just be all willy nilly when it comes to making sure your vagina is working.  Here are some tips so you can avoid having your gyno on speed dial:

 

1331220918-vagina PEE AFTER SEX

Just fucking do it!  I don’t care if you’re too tired or you can’t find your underwear and you think your butt looks weird walking to the bathroom naked.  Do you know how excruciating and annoying urinary tract infections are? Well, they are! Why am I yelling so much!? Peeing after sex reduces the risk of all that sex bacteria getting stuck inside your urethra.  Yes, sex bacteria is the scientific term.

 

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TAKE CRANBERRY PILLS

Ever since I started taking cranberry supplements my urinary tract is IMMACULATE.  I actually have no idea if it is or not, but I haven’t had any UTIs.  Cranberries have antioxidants in them that prevent bacteria from hanging out in your bladder and attaching to the walls of your urethra.  Is this grossing you out yet?  Should I say urethra a few more times? Plus, cranberries prevent cancer or whatever.  I just read that on the google so it must be true.

 

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DON’T FORGET ABOUT TAMPONS

This is a gross story guys, but my friend forgot she had a tampon in and had sex, thus getting the tampon stuck inside her and causing really bad stomach pains.  She didn’t realize the tampon was causing a horrible smell and pain until it fell out a few weeks later.  Can you imagine what it looked like?  Did you just have to stop reading because you wanted to finish eating your lunch?  You know how the Wu-Tang ain’t nothing to fuck with? Toxic shock syndrome ain’t nothing to fuck with either.  I think I regret that last sentence.

 

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KNOW WHEN YOU COULD GET PREGNANT, DUMMIES

I have this app called Period Diary that keeps track of when I’m supposed to get my period and when I’m the most susceptible to getting preggers.  I don’t understand how women get pregnant accidentally when there’s literally a forty-eight hour window right after you ovulate.  Maybe I’ve just never been pregnant because my body knows I would probably be one of those crazy mothers that would murder their child.  Haha, murder.  But seriously, you should get an app to keep track of the shit happening in your vagina.

 

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MAKE AN APPOINTMENT WITH YOUR GYNO AT LEAST ONCE A YEAR

Lots of crazy shit can happen in your uterus and ovaries, more specifically, you could develop abnormal cells out of nowhere.  Ignoring those cells could lead to cancer, and who wants cancer? Not this girl.  Getting examined at least once a year is something women need to do.  Don’t be a lazy piece of garbage.  I had surgery to remove potential cancerous cells, so it could happen to anyone at anytime.  What is this, fifth grade sex ed class?  But seriously, if there’s weird green stuff coming out of your vagina, go see a doctor, and don’t just google your symptoms because some crazy old lady will tell you that putting yogurt in your vagina will cure infections.  It doesn’t work, trust me.

  • trashywilma

    I am familiar with the lost tampon. A few years, brown goo start oozing out my vag. Uninsured at the time, I decided to do the same thing I do when my Check Engine light comes on: ignore it.

    After a few more days, the goo turned black and I assumed something deep inside of me, most likely my uterus, was rotting. One night, I finally gave birth to the unholy creature. It was dark brown, shriveled up, and smelled like a combination of period blood and that smell a dumpster takes on in August. I have no clue how long it had actually been up there as it’s possible that I was shoving it even farther back with other tampons.

    I do know ghosts and evil spirits came wafting out of it as it circled the bowl and went to its watery grave.

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