Melissa Stetten Should Be On “The Bachelor”

January 28, 2014 • Love & Sex


I’ve been a fan of The Bachelor for the past few years, but this season is pretty boring.  It doesn’t help that Juan Pablo said homophobic things in an interview.  I don’t want to root for a guy who thinks gay men shouldn’t be intimate on TV because it would be a bad example for children.  I like the bachelors to be wholesome and good-looking dummies.  Also, the women on this season aren’t nearly as crazy enough as I’d like them to be.

Here are things I would do to liven up this boring ass season:


1. Only talk about my dead parents

There are always at least three girls who start off every conversation with the bachelor talking about horrible tragedies in their lives.  I would try to tie in my dead family in every conversation as much as possible.

Like when Juan Pablo asks, “What type of music do you like?”

I would say, “I really like hip-hop, but my alcoholic father would beat me every time I listened to my Outkast CDs, so it’s really hard to listen to music anymore.  He died in a car crash the day before I graduated high school.  Anyway, have you heard of Macklemore?”

There’s nothing more awkward than seeing the bachelor react to a girl telling him about her abusive alcoholic father.  Also, you would probably get a rose out of pity.


2. Talk about other girls behind their back

I would start making up rumors about the other girls just for fun.  There is always that one girl who loves over-dramatizing conversations she heard between other girls.

Like if I heard a girl say, “I’m feeling a little overwhelmed and anxious about being here.  Especially since he has a daughter.  I really need to think this over.”

I would tell EVERY girl in the house, “Oh my god! You’re not gonna believe what I heard Claire say!  She said she only wants to be here so she can be on TV, and she doesn’t even like Juan Pablo!  Oh and that bitch said she hates children and would probably murder Juan Pablo’s daughter!”

Nothing better than a cat fight on TV! Raaaaaar!


3. Get insanely obsessed with the bachelor

I’m talking some Lifetime movie-style stalking.  Stare down and threaten every girl in the house who looks at Juan Pablo for more than three seconds.  Write him love notes and slip them in his pocket when you’re on a group date.  They should say things like, “Can’t wait to spend eternity with you,” and “I watched you sleep last night, you looked so peaceful.”

Also, refuse to leave if you’re not handed a rose.  Actually, bring a rose with you just in case you don’t get one at the rose ceremony.  When they ask you to leave, just say, “Umm, yes he DID hand me a rose, this did NOT come out of my back pocket.”

You probably won’t marry the bachelor, but you’d have a good shot of being another memorable reality star, like Trishelle from the Real World Vegas.  She’s still alive, right?

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All Aboard.

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