Valentine’s Day. I hate it just as much as you do. You, that lonely dejected person reading this sentence through tears, staring at the glowing surface of your MacBook Pro while a damp film blurs your vision, your whole world a runny painting of absolute sadness. You, that depressed sack who sobs at the sight of heart-shaped boxes filled with cheap American chocolate wrapped in waxed paper. You, who cringe at the sight of hand-holders, bristle at love songs, long for an end.
And so you’ve come here looking for answers. Googling “how to kill myself today without breaking my momz heart” has lead you here, to me, where I will shower you with all the Valentine’s Day survival advice you could have never wanted. Because while I won’t be able to help you turn your pathetic, empty life around, I will be able to provide you with a sartorial checklist for the occasion, saving you not from the pitfalls of eternal singlehood, but from rolling around in your sweatpants while you fiddle around with the knots on your noose.
Hand selected from SS14 Haute Couture, here are a few of my favorite pieces for the single girl on Valentine’s Day.
With its protruding gold spikes of a formidable length and deathly girth, this pit bull-appropriate choker will ensure a safe distance from any and all men who dare attempt to approach you today — the most cynical, sad, and bitter of days.
Leave everything to the imagination of your imaginary boyfriend’s imagination with this uber chic nun business.
Hide from the world with one of Margiela’s signature masks, which will camouflage your real tears with fabulous crystal things of an ambiguous shape, giving people cause to wonder “Is she or isn’t she?” (Though your heaving chest and shuddering shoulders will certainly attest to an affirmative “she is.”)
Mourn the slow death of your untended-to ovaries with this funereal gown.
Viktor & Rolf
When your neighbors call the cops about that strange smell leaking from your apartment into the hallway, everything will make sense when they find you like this — your hair crimped and teased like one of Fellini’s crazed whores and wearing a grotesquely girlish ballet dress. Save everyone the trouble of wondering and make your end as glaringly apparent as possible.