Animal Love Crimes: Deep in the Beef

February 28, 2014 • Uncategorized


‘Save the cows’ in Rhein Berg this ain’t. You know, that feel-good video of cows hopping and skipping for joy after seeing green grass for the first time, like ever, that made its way into your Facebook feed every second day last week. No, quite the contrary. This week, while all of the fashion f*#ks in Paris draped their rears in some animal hide or another, and all of Arizona got busy trying to back up their bullshit with more bullshit, a man in Connecticut got busy with some other type of bull.

Reid Fontaine, a 31-year-old man, was caught covered in Jell-O having sex with a cow. (As Bill Cosby once famously enthused: “There’s always room for Jell-O!”… even as a lubricant in beastiality rituals, apparently.)

Fontaine was caught deep in the beef by the owner of the cow, a farmer in Farmington, CT, who noticed that his heifers had been acting a bit off, and weren’t producing the same amount of milk. Instead of disposing of the animals—as is the industry norm when they fail to produce—the good farmer set up a surveillance camera.

And there was Fontaine, wearing nothing but his birthday suit and some Jell-O, attempting to take the bull by the, err, horns?

What’s even more disturbing; Fontaine– WHO WORKED FOR THE FARMINGTON SCHOOL DISTRICT–was being videotaped by his friend, Michael Jones, 35. Because apparently males in Farmington over the age of thirty are super fucking bored. The mortified cow took off to a nearby freeway, ran itself into three cars — an honor suicide, if you will.

Bet you don’t feel so bad about that leather jacket you just bought.

(Photos courtesy of and

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All Aboard.

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