Back when I lived in Los Angeles and I was absolutely 150% positive I was going to be a famous actress, I did what every other girl who thinks she’s going to famous does: I enrolled in acting class. [Note: A lot of girls who think they’re going to be famous actresses simply stop wearing panties under their knockoff Herve Leger and start doling out BJs. Acting class is technically optional. Do whatever is best for you.] So began my foray into feeling regularly uncomfortable standing up in front of a room of people sitting in the dark, all of whom watched on carefully to see if I was capable of emoting like a Real Live Girl. The results were hit or miss… mostly miss. Although I do recall knocking it out of the goddamn park doing a scene from Gia, where I tell my lesbian ex-girlfriend I am dying of AIDS. I cried more during those ten minutes than I did when my grandma died. (Don’t judge me; she was something between a b-word and a c-word and gave all my inheritance away to my cousin. Thanks, G-ma!).
Aside from learning how to channel past angst and pain into the lives of others, I got to know the people in my class, who were, I must say, an outstanding lot of fine young men and women. Those who lacked in talent generally made up for it in charm, like one sweet Southern boy with a crew cut and a tree-sap drawl. He had one of those names you’d have to stick marbles in your mouth to pronounce and the face like a character out of a Norman Rockwell painting, all aw-shucks and gee golly. That’s why I was admittedly surprised when I was driving him home one night and he told me about the time he was addicted to meth for two months straight. I can assure you there are few things weirder than having someone with a voice like Paula Deen peaches and cream tell you about a sixty-day bender of no sleep and no showers in a one-bedroom apartment in NoHo. Sweet peaches, no!
No less shocking (okay, like, 90% less shocking but whatever) was a recent Google query on the side effects of crystal meth. Maybe meth’s marketing team needs to work on its SEO, but people are more concerned with what happens to your body when you ingest Crystal Light than they are a bathtub cocktail of amphetamine, battery acid, drain cleaner, lantern fuel and antifreeze. And higher-ranking still is that burning question: “What are the side effects of crystal light energy?” What has the world come to, people?! Hippies and health food?! This Maybe She’s Born With It, Maybe It’s Drug Addiction column might be a short-lived series if I have no one to pander to, but pander I will. In the words of one Bill Wilson: To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world. Even if that one person is a meth addict.
Herewith, your beauty guide, for all who may seek its entirely satirical benefits:
OFF! Deep Woods Insect Repellent
Instead of clawing at your skin to get at the imaginary bugs you’re convinced live just beneath the epidermis, purchase a bug repellent to deter all future critters. As a practitioner of yoga and eater of kale, I prefer the non-chem variety, but you might need that 100 proof shit for what you’re working with. OFF!’s Deep Woods contains 25% DEET, which sounds like a pretty toxic brew. Then again, you’re on meth, which means homeopathic goods aren’t necessarily in line with your current lifestyle. Oh, FYI, DEET should not be applied to damaged skin, so avoid sores.
For those of you who just can’t resist peeling back your skin to get rid of what lies beneath, you’ll want to invest in these, perhaps with fun patterns like hearts and rainbows and unicorns to remind yourself of childhood, right about when things started to go wrong. On second thought, maybe just stick to the plain ones.
Body Fortress Super Advanced Whey Protein Powder
Protein shakes: Not just for the guidos and wimpy dudes anymore! You’ll for sure want some dense caloric sources for the moments in which you remember to eat. You know the asinine saying, “You can never be too rich or too thin”? So they were probably right about the first part, but the second is a goddamn lie. Ask Karen Carpenter.
Listerine Whitening Plus Restoring Fluoride Rinse
I’m going to have to be honest: Trying to maintain your grill while in the throws of this drug is a losing battle. There’s only so much external impact you can attempt while your body is rotting from within. This product is mostly for the addict in denial. In fact, most of this list is.
Everything on the Skincare Aisle
For the havoc meth wreaks on your skin alone, I implore you to not partake. As someone who has been paid to look as young as possible for the better part of a decade, I can tell you that you want your skin to look nice for as long as it can. Meth is like a model’s fucking nightmare, kryptonite to cash. When I was 21, I was already being warned about “those lines” between my nose and my mouth. You’ll have more than “those lines” to worry about, my friend. Maybe before things become irreversible and you’re not looking like an extra from Outbreak you can maintain a strict regimen of tightening creams and concealer. If I were you, I’d save your money for a rainy day called rehab.
Note from the author: Seriously, this shit is gnarly. If you know someone that needs help, get them help. Here’s a website. And for those of you simply looking into products for your average, non-satirical lifestyle, these will do you dandy.
(Photos courtesy of Likewise Skincare, Montana Meth Project, and various stockists linked within the piece)