College Humor recently released a (totally perfect) video called “How To Tell if You’re a Basic Bitch,” featuring a couple in a doctor’s office in the throws of one of those life-altering sentencing scenes, waiting to hear some dreaded phrase like “You’re pregnant” or “It’s herpes.” Only this time, the prognosis is basic bitch-ness, which—while not as bad as herpes—is certainly worse than getting knocked up.
The doctor goes through all the symptoms: an affinity for scented candles, ordering your bagels scooped, Ugg boots, slutty nurse costumes, unfunny Tweets, sweatpants with the word “SEXY” on the butt. Things do not look good for this basic ass bitch.
Inspired, I dug through the Urban Dictionary troves, the most accurate source of depraved laypeople information, to uncover a handful of Basic Bitch gems, which play something like Jeff Foxworthy’s “You Might Be a Redneck If…” series.
If you walk like a bitch, talk like a bitch, and get mad when somebody call you a bitch… you a basic bitch.
If you bend yo ass over in all yo pictures just to make it a lil bigger knowin you ain’t got one, you a basic bitch.
If you sing any Beyonce song all day erryday, something like “Upgrade” and ain’t nothin’ upgraded about you since high school in ’92, kill yaself, u a basic bitch.
Okay, so there’s a lot of talk about the Basic Bitch. Maybe because they’re everywhere. They’re sitting next to you on the subway listening to Pink, doing their makeup in the rearview in their car, dancing up on some dude in the club wearing cheap heels and a stretch-jersey dress. But what about the basic dicks? That’s right, they’re out there.
So while it might be way easier me to poke fun at my fellow ladies, the ones with deplorable taste in music and pumpkin spice Starbucks lattes, we must not forget that basic dicks abound in this world, and they should not go unrecognized. And so we made up a little checklist I’d like to call “Dick, You’re Basic.”
If you wear a sombrero in the customs line en route to any city in Mexico.
If you’ve been to Lake Havasu. Period.
If you’ve been to Lake Havasu and woken up next to anyone who looks like this.
If you upload headless photos of your torso to your OkCupid profile.
If you wear flip flops with your wide-legged jeans.
If you still play beer pong and you’re over 21.
If you JUST moved to Williamsburg.
If you’re a grown man who plays Candy Crush instead of, I dunno, reading a newspaper.
If you’re still listening to Nickelback, Lincoln Park, or Creed.
If the concept of gay marriage still makes you shift around uncomfortably in your seat.
If you’ve used this as a pickup line: Have you ever kissed a rabbit between the ears? [Pull your pockets inside out] Would you like to?
If you think the only basic people out there are basic bitches.