10 Things I Still Don’t Understand About Men

April 21, 2014 • Love & Sex


Please enjoy my generalized, slightly sexist, but very serious questions I have about most straight men I have encountered in life. Feel free to retaliate, boys.

  1. Why don’t you like to use top sheets? “What’s the point? That’s what the blanket is for” is the response I most often get to this question.
  2. Why do you refuse going to the doctor or dentist? I like you; don’t die.
  3. Why is it so satisfying to admire the quantity of semen you ejaculate? Second to blowing their load, men seem to enjoy admiring and vocalizing admiration of the impressive amount of cum that just came out of their penis. I guess I can understand this; I myself experience great satisfaction when popping a giant pimple and seeing the pus explode.
  4. Why do you get so awkward about saying “I love you”? Once, I told someone I had been dating for roughly six months I loved him. His response was, “Yeah, I knew that. Oh… now you want me to say it back.” The night ended in unnecessary drunken conflict. He later told me he knew he loved me after our first weekend spent together. Why is it so scary then? This year in a moment of deep intimacy I was once told,  “I love (panic sets in)…THIS MOMENT!” I think the most normal exchange of “I love you” I’ve experienced was when I was in college spending a month in Germany, and my boyfriend at the time drunk-dialed me to let me know he’d been having nightmares I was going to cheat on him with a Nazi, so please don’t, because he loved me. Perhaps I date men with intimacy issues. Life is short. Tell those you love that you love them.
  5. What’s with the condom temper tantrums? I wish I had a YouTube montage of all the condom temper tantrums I’ve witnessed, men pulling out and pulling them off in frustration with an “UGGGHHHHHH!” Girls don’t like using condoms, either. No one does. Who wants plastic interfering with such delightful warm and wet exchange of fluids? You know what’s scarier than rubber around your wiener? Unexplained sores or impregnating me. Until test results are in and birth control methods have been secured you’re wearing a condom, I don’t know where that thing’s been and I ate Nutella and peanut butter with a spoon last night for dinner, you really want me as your baby mama?
  6. Why do you each have your own unique classification system for nipples and/or boobs? Apparently I have “small but perky boobs” with “button nipples.” I’m glad you told me about that chick you boned with “water balloon boobs” and “pepperoni nipples.”
  7. Why do you leave the toilet seat up? I know your mama taught you better than that (sincere apologies if you were raised without a mother). I once asked this question and the response was, “Well, I have to lift the seat up; it’s only fair that you put it back.” It is not fair. I am a lady and I will fall into the toilet during one of my many nighttime pees if you leave it up.
  8. Will you just admit that you are, in fact, excited about going to the strip club for your friend’s bachelor party? Seriously, I’m cool with it. I can appreciate a strip club as well.
  9. I have a secret. You are neither “The Dude” from The Big Lebowski nor Matthew McConaughey from Dazed and Confused.
  10. Why do you call women crazy when you’re the one who owns a guitar you don’t know how to play and just jerked off to incest porn? PS crazy chicks are the fun ones. No one likes boring and CRAZIES HAVE THE FUN PILLS!
  • Joseph Kielbasa

    3. You would think you did something wrong if it was a tiny drop.
    8. He doesn’t want you to actually go with him. It was only a courtesy invite.
    10. You’re all crazy, but unfortunately not enough of you have the good shit.

    These are my general and sexist responses. Keep writing, I like your work.

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