The snow is gone and the sun is out, which means a whole new set of trends for you to sink your teeth into. Our Los Angeles correspondant Arianna Schioldager breaks down what’s on the horizon for Spring 2014. We’ve got skeletal disorders, STD prints, and #hashtags. This is trending on the real… ish.
Bowlegs: Like a newborn baby fawn. When Kate Moss announced that she just can’t do calf-length because of her bowlegs, every girl ran their shins straight to their local plastic surg and begged for a misalignment. Bend It Like Mossy (#benditlikemossy) is going to carry into summer 2014. Which means you won’t have to bend your legs back until fall 2014. But make sure you set your appointments in advance. You definitely can’t have bent shins after Labor Day.
Medical ID Tags: Everyone knows it’s cool to be diagnosed with something, but you don’t have to “accidentally” drop your bottle of Xanax, and faux-freak (I’m soo embarrassed) anymore. If you want to let other people know you’re cool enough to have serious issues, just wear it on your arm. Besides, this is the kind of arm candy that could save your life. But don’t go the dog-tag route. Unless you’re looking to have your anal glands expressed.
The Full Bush Brazilian: A term coined by NY Mag’s Maureen O’Conner (thanks, M) and is a must-do for in-the-know vaginas. The full bush Braz involves removing the hair from the labia and butt crack while leaving everything on top full-out fern gully.
Human Skin Handbags: Sheepskin is over. But anthropodermic bibliopegy is making a huge comeback. Expect to see it first at the men’s shows in Paris, but instead of binding books in human skin, Uncle Karl has promised hairless epidermis totes and backpacks. Only hairless though. Uncle Karl only approves of the tresses on his head and on his choupette. “No one will be into full-bush Brazilian handbags,” said Lagerfeld in a statement to WWD. “No one.”
Shirty Dresses: Is it a shirt? Is it a dress? Who cares? All that matters is that it’s really shirty.
Gonorrhea Print: Forget leopard. Forget cheetah. F*^k zebra. Under a microscope, gonorrhea looks like little baby paw prints. Which means, this print is fully PETA approved. Plus, you can share it with your friends without the need for antibiotics.
Carpet bragging: Presumptuously seeking success? It’s common for politicians seeking election in a new locality to carpet bag, but right now is all about carpet bragging. Which means, if you’re trying to get a job with your Instagram, make sure you hashtag carpet-bragging with #selfie and #ironiccelfietee, all while lounging on your newly purchased beni ourain rug.