10 Things I Still Don’t Understand About Women

Test

A nice side-effect of being a bit mentally unstable and way over-sexualized is that while on various substances you can be extremely fun and captivating. This is why I always had a group of guy friends in high school and college (until that last semester when I started acting like a 13-year-old emo kid and dyed my hair dark and hid in my room and always left parties early). Yet I haven’t ever had a ton of close girlfriends. Today, I would like to think I am developing stronger bonds with new women and the others who stick around as I get older. With my personal growth, I also believe in gender fairness and equality, which is why I am taking the time to utilize my moments of isolation from the world of women to create this slightly sexist list of things I still don’t understand:

  1. How the fuck do you have the time to always have a nice manicure and pedicure? Are you unemployed? And, if so, how do you pay for it? If the polish on your fingers isn’t chipped you aren’t having enough fun. In addition, what exactly is a “blow out” and how do you have time for this, too? What about eyebrows? How do you make them so perfect? What is with drawn-on eyebrows? WHEN DO YOU SLEEP?
  2. Why do you shower before sex? Unless you have an infection, the smell of your vagina is a turn-on for men.
  3. How do you always know where sales are happening? Do you actually subscribe and look at those spam emails or is there some girls newsletter that I don’t get?
  4. If you want to be with your boyfriend forever and ever why do you have to see him five nights a week? Doesn’t he get annoying?
  5. Why do you get upset when your boyfriend watches porn? It is normal! It might teach him things.
  6. Why do you fake orgasms? STOP! You are teaching them poor skills, and by the time they get to me they think they know how to make me come but have no idea.
  7. Have you ever even seen¬†Breakfast at Tiffany’s?¬†
  8. How are you so good at planning vacations?
  9. Why do you get jealous so easily, especially about silly things like your boyfriend checking out another girl in public? He can’t help it, he’s just a dumb primate. The cooler and more laid back we act the less he will actually want to fuck someone else. PS: We check out other guys, too, we are just more stealth about it; let’s not be hypocrites.
  10. Why do we talk so much shit about each other? Why can’t we all just be friends? BE MY FRIEND!
Sophie Saint Thomas

Sophie Saint Thomas is a beautifully morbid weirdo, writer, and occasional TV producer.

  • annekatherine

    “I’m not lame like those other girls. I’m a cool girl. Here’s a list of why other girls are lame, and why you should want to date me, instead. I’ll never get jealous or be high-maintenance – I’m cool and laid back. I’m really more like a guy- that’s why all my friends are guys. Love me! I hate women just as much as you do!”