“Ass Facials” Now Officially Beauty Terminology

May 23, 2014 • Beauty

Beauty industry press releases are an experience, let me tell you. While most of them are respectably boring and sneakily persuasive, there are those cherished few that are offensively funny and/or downright alienating and bizarre. These latter two categories are my favorite, because as a beauty obsessive and history nerd, I don’t delete anything. I archive everything for that faraway future where, I have both the time and the resources to compile all the bizarre beauty knowledge and memorabilia I have filed away in my head into an amazing book of horrors and monsters. Basically this paragraph is me pitching you a book. Please give me a book deal! Hit me up!

Anyway, moving away from that plaintive call for attention and contracts, weird beauty regimes are just fun to read about. There was the vagazzling. the vagina steaming, the gold plated facials (which I would still love to try while listening to Glamorous, by the way),and now? Now, there are ass facials. Talking about facials already makes me snort inside like a prepubescent teen boy, but this is just low hanging fruit, you guys. Did you catch that pun? Please tell me you caught that pun.

Originating at the Skin by Molly spa in Brooklyn, NY, “The Shiny Hiney” is a spa experience in which your butt is exfoliated, peeled, and given a steam treatment to prevent acne and other skin problems. It will apparently set you back $65 for 30 minutes effort.  Honestly, I could think of better things to spend $65 dollars on relating to my butt. It feels as though this is just a socially appropriate way to get someone to touch your butt. Why do you need to pay someone to touch your butt? I will touch your butt for you. Consider me your butt touching charity. Or I mean, isn’t this what Tinder is for, basically?

I bet whoever came up with it road tested the process on Tinder. Tinder is actually just a black market for me at this point. I have not had a successful date using the application, but I have traded designer jawnz on it and got a free makeup tip consultation from it! I don’t know how to get laid but fashion and beauty are things I understand.

Anyway, butts.

Shot by Aingeru Zorita in Oyster #104

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