Insomniac Relationship Revelations Vol. II

May 26, 2014 • Love & Sex

Any lover can attest that I write the most delightful sleeping pill love poems. It’s not real unless you’ve gotten one from me. I’ve had trouble sleeping since high school. After a bout of jet lag a few years ago after a trip to Australia I went three days without sleep and found myself wandering the streets of New York City with bacon in my purse. I’ve tried so many different sleeping pills I want to create a quiz to match personalities. Slow and old-fashioned? You might enjoy Trazodone! Scattered and anxious? Why not stick with a massive benzo like Restirol or Klonopin? Enjoy creative bursts and hallucinations? You’re Ambien! Anyways. Here is a second round of relationship revelations I’ve pondered while waiting for sleeping pills to kick in.

  1. Stay true to yourself. I was reading aloud a passage from one of my many Eastern wisdom books about the importance of being yourself to my current partner, and he asks “…in other words, ‘do you?”  Yup. As poet Mark Nepo puts it: “Those who truly love us will never knowingly ask us to be other than we are.” Are you monogamous? Polyamorous? Do you hate children? Perhaps you want an army of little babes one day? Do you thrive on travel and adventure? Require stability? Any and all are lovely, just know that smiling and nodding to pretend you want kids, or going for years pretending it doesn’t bother you when your partner goes on dates with others is an act which there is no award for. Compromises are great in relationships, yet going against your inherent grain chips away at the soul and isn’t fair to either party, as it’s guaranteed to end in disaster eventually when the jig is up.
  2. Sex matters. Not so much the amount or type of sex you are having–that fluctuates relationship to relationship. Yet pay attention to your emotions and how your body is responding. If you’re holding back tears (true tears, not from any kinky stuff) while getting plowed it’s probably a sign of deeper issues brewing.
  3. People change. People come out, people get sober, careers and egos explode, vice versa, shit happens. Life creeps in and takes you with it. As we grow and evolve and watch our partners do the same, at some point we may find ourselves wondering, “is the juice worth the squeeze?” Personally, I think more loyalty is in order, especially in New York City, and we should embrace change in relationships rather than expect the person to be the same drunk 20-something you took home in perpetuity, but if a change is so big it feels as if you are losing yourself to save a relationship, there’s no choice but to accept life and move on.
  4. You’re going to be attracted to other people. We’re genetically programmed to be turned on by more than one person in order to procreate the species, yet many of us crave monogamy. Jealousy and outrage over a casual flirtation or seeing your boyfriend checking someone else out will only lead to fights, distance, and resentment…which could lead to cheating. Upon further thought, you may realize the harmless crushes of your own at work or in other activities. It’s best to accept that these things will happen and trust your partner until they give you significant reason not to.
  5. Make sure your partner feels appreciated. If your boyfriend had a long day at work, make sure you let him know how proud of him you are. Be vocal during good sex. Once someone starts to feel appreciated and loved, they’re more likely to return (we get back what we give) the positive comments and love.
  6. Learn to be alone. Single or tied down, we have to learn how to sit with ourselves. Once in a relationship, even if you’re living together, there are going to be moments when you need space, or your partner goes out of town and it’s forced on you. Learn how to treasure your moments alone for reading, seeing friends, and taking time not to lose yourself in the relationship. The stronger and more secure you are in yourself the more you can be present for others.
  7. Don’t laugh at kinks. Admitting to someone that rough sex, role-playing, a threesome, certain names, or whatever it is that turns you on is a vulnerable and special moment. Even if it’s something that makes you uncomfortable, when your partner broaches the subject the most important thing you can to do is to listen to them and make sure they don’t feel like a freak. Unless it’s truly dangerous or illegal (keep in mind this is coming from me) try it! You might discover something new you like, and some kinks can be pretty engrained in a person’s psyche; at some point they’re going to want to get it somewhere.
  8. Listen. Lock eyes and listen when your partner is talking to you, and not just if they are admitting they want you to pee on them. Listen to how their day was, ask questions, touch their hair, see if you can go an entire sentence without interrupting, it’s harder than you think and of the utmost importance.
  9. Allow old arguments to rest. After a subject is closed, keep it. When a fight arises, handle it properly then put it to bed. Don’t bring up old shit every time a new problem occurs, it will just make everything worse. If you notice a fight about a very important subject continues to arise without conclusion (monogamy, children, another person, drastic differences in lifestyles or beliefs, etc.) it may be a sign that things simply aren’t working.
  10. We’re all insane. All of us, not just the ones openly writing about what pills have been prescribed to them. You’ll learn each other’s neurosis and how to handle them, but no matter how calm and collected someone may seem at first, trust me, they’re going to start crying and ask you to pee on them or admit an addiction to dangling off buildings. Perhaps I like ’em weird but still, we’re all pretty bat-shit crazy.
Read more:
Sneakerhead & Prada Porn
Dan Deacon’s Pop Art Dance Party. Get Weird.

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