This winter, there were few things better than watching Matthew McConaughey wax philosophic about some truly absurdist shit while being chauffeured around the southern bayou with Woody Harrelson in HBO’s True Detective. (“I gotta bad taste in my mouth out here. Aluminum. Ash. Like you can smell the pscyhosphere” could be my favorite line written for television quite possibly ever. Keep ‘em comin’, weirdos.) And so when the season ended 76 days ago (I mean, who’s counting), the buzz already started over who and what would come next in the serialized drama. Them’s some big shoes (and delightfully snug wife beaters) to fill. Although no one can hold a candle to the way my post-Dallas Buyer’s Club, scrawnily muscular MM could so broodingly drawl when he called this planet “a giant gutter in outer space,” I am open to the idea that next season be certifiably spectacular. So open, in fact, that I’m going to write the pitches and cast the fucking thing myself. Hollywood, you’re welcome.
True Detective, North Hollywood
Starring James Franco, James Franco, and James Franco
Actor, director, writer, artist, photographer and detective James Franco turns the lens on his own life in an attempt to find out how he himself has managed to manipulate the laws of time and space so that he has more of it than anyone else.
True Detective, Mt. Olympus
Starring a ‘90s Monica and Brandy
In a Twilight Zone-meets-Groundhog’s Day twist, Monica and Brandy are stuck living the same scene from their “The Boy is Mine” video, doomed to a life of arm bands, satin pajamas, friends in sneakers, and fighting over a dude who probs doesn’t even like either of them. Here, we discover what it’s like to be a girl. The truth will bore astound you.
True Detective, Beverly Hills
Starring Adam Levine and Justin Bieber
“Performers” by day, gumshoes by night, Adam Levine and Justin Bieber’s worlds turn upside down when the fans they’ve exploited billions of dollars from for utterly banal music demand their money back. It’s a tale of sex, extortion, gated properties and Jesus tattoos.
True Detective, Malibu
Starring Bill Murray and Mischa Barton
Broken Flowers plus Ghost Busters plus Beauty and the Least: The Misadventures of Ben Banks PLUS CRIME.
True Detective, Marina Del Rey
Starring Jon Hamm and Michelle Rodriguez
Jon Hamm moves to the beach and illegally pitches a tent under the guise of some “research” for an upcoming “role” when really he just wants to grow out his beard, stop using hair gel, and forget the ‘50s ever happened. Inexplicably joined by Michelle Rodriguez, the become good drinking chums. No mystery there.