Melissa Stetten on Rich Dicks and Desperation

May 30, 2014 • Culture

You’ve probably never heard of Dan Bilzerian and that’s not a bad thing.  He’s one of those people who’s famous for being famous.  The easiest way to describe him is if Axe Body Spray came to life and started an Instagram account. He’s worth $100 million from playing poker, and wants us all to know that he loves partying and spending tons of money.  He owns a sports car with the license plate “SUCK IT.”

Oh, he’s 33 and has had 4 heart attacks already.


A few years ago, Dan flew to Maui from Las Vegas and back again, twice, within 3 days, to play non-stop poker. He didn’t sleep and ended up in the hospital with a pulmonary embolism.  He was barely 30 and already had a double-heart attack on a ski trip when he was 25.  He “forgot” to sleep for 4 days.  I’m sure all the coke and ecstasy helped with that.

He is currently involved in a lawsuit because he (playfully) threw a porn star off his roof into a pool during a party and she broke her foot.  He also went to jail once for having a machine gun in the trunk of his car, and called his Navy SEAL officer a p*ssy 2 days before graduation.

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The producers of Entourage couldn’t come up with this stuff.

Anyone who criticizes him is instantly seen as jealous, even though his spending emphasizes the wealth discrepancies amongst Americans.  Flaunting your riches is just flat out gross, I think most people can agree with that.  Not to mention objectifying women as “trophies.”  He’s basically glorifying everything that’s wrong with American culture.  His view of success is defined by having “things” and hot b*tches everywhere.  The misogynistic, macho stereotype is embedded in his lifestyle.

I’ve searched the internet for anything truly negative about him, and I couldn’t find anything.  Aside from drugs, naked women, and guns, he’s not a horrible human being.  He’s actually donated quite a lot of money to charity.  His lifestyle is just f*cking bananas.  I don’t hate him, even though he represents the ultimate in douche-baggery.  I look at him as more of a train wreck than an a**hole.

I’ve posted photos on Instagram to show cool things I’ve done, new sunglasses and clothes I bought, places I’ve been to, or cruises I went on
with my 50 year old boyfriend.  That’s totally normal and widely accepted Instagram behavior.  Sure, some of it can be obnoxious, but I’ve never crossed the line into “f*ck you, look what I have and you don’t” behavior.

That’s where Scott Disick enters.  He is Kourtney Kardashian’s husband, and he is just the worst.  He photographs his Kardashain money like the real piece of garbage he is.

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Why do I hate him and not Dan Bilzerian?  Because Dan is a self-made millionaire and owns up to the fact that he’s a maniac.  Scott Disick is a whiny boy who spends Kourtney’s money on stupid bow ties and yachts. Maybe save that money for your children’s education, you dummy?

The tumblr inspired #RichKids Instagram hashtag is the most aggravating thing that has happened to Instagram.  If you thought spending your spouse’s money was bad, this is just bewildering. Teenagers spending $40,000 on dinner makes me want to vomit.


I have so many questions for these kids.  Do their parents give them credit cards with unlimited spending limits?  Do their parents teach them anything?  How are they supposed to learn responsibility and work ethics if they are handed everything? desperation

I lived with a boyfriend for a year where I didn’t have to pay rent or worry about money too much.  I lasted about a month before I had to get a job and start making money for myself.  Something didn’t feel quite right living off of someone else, especially when I had learned my entire life that if I wanted something I had to work for it myself.  After breaking up with him and having to pay rent again, my motivation and drive actually increased because I was back in the “real world” with everyone else.  This is the most cliche thing ever, and it sounds like something a trust fund kid would say to seem human, but money doesn’t buy happiness, guys.

Sure, the Dan Bilzerians, Scott Disicks, and #RichKids of the world look like they’re having a grand ol’ time on Instagram, but that vintage filter can only cover so much narcissism and desperation.

  • ee3edd

    I thought that you also stayed rent- free in Anthony Cumia’s apartment (for quite a while) in NYC after you broke up with him. Comment?

  • ted

    Guess someone didn’t get an invite to the parties at the Bilzerian Mansion.

  • CTGreg (8:15 in the vid)

    Your rolling around in and throwing 35K in cash in the video. Your just fucking around and having fun, so are most of the people you are writing about.

  • SugarMagnolia15

    I love your writing and I am a huge fan of yours, but i have to ask: do you know for certain that Dan Bilzerian does coke and ecstasy? i just thought that was kind of a random, presumptuous thing to insert in there. I agree with everything else you wrote, BTW. I just feel a little weird that you felt the need to say that, just based on his lifestyle.

    • I read it. I wouldn’t just make that up.

      • SugarMagnolia15

        Gotcha. Thanks for replying. I loved this, btw!

  • montague_stjohn

    Not sure why you think Bilzerian is a self made millionaire. He is the son of corporate raider and multi-millionaire Paul Bilzerian.

  • chillywill8e

    That receipt is not for $40,000, it’s in Jamaican dollars. It’s for around $400.

    • nathalie

      I was breaking my mind on who would be paying $1700 for one liter Baileys hahaha

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