Writing online dating site profiles is basically a tedious, masturbatory exercise in convincing people you are desirable. An avid fan of the cliche “If you can’t convince them, confuse them” strategy, mine mentions serial killers and my cat (yet not related in Jeffrey Dahmer fashion). People can then get to know me over messages or in person; as I know the truth is most men are simply scrolling through my photos deciding if I’m fuckable or not. Am I jaded? Bitch, I might be. Back to cliches. Online dating profiles are a veritable cliche minefield; it can be hard to get a true reading on a person. To make it easier for you, I’ve decoded some common sights on dating sights.
[Side note: Never ever take me entirely seriously.]
- If their profile says they are “looking for a partner in crime” you can be sure they’ve never gotten so much as a speeding ticket. Personally, I am looking for a partner to keep me out of crime.
- If they are a guy and they describe themselves as “laid-back” they are only interested in casual sex.
- If they are a girl and they describe themselves as “laid-back” they have already started a wedding Pinterest inspiration board after the first date.
- Looking for “new friends” = looking for “new friends to go down on me.”
- A profile containing only shirtless selfies taken in the bathroom mirror indicates that they are a diagnosed sociopath and/or still live with their parents.
- A profile containing only shirtless selfies taken in the bathroom mirror with their face cropped out means they are a very important person with a very important Valtrex prescription and/or are married.
- If their profile consists of only picture taken while traveling and they describe themselves as “adventurous” they wear a suit to work and work in a corporate office.
- If their profile says they are a Scorpio and “laughing about it” they check Susan Miller’s Astrology Zone eagerly each month (guilty).
- If they list that they speak Spanish (okay) they can properly order a meal at a Mexican restaurant.
- If they describe themselves as “spiritual but not religious” they mean they read a lot of self-help books.
Photo courtesy of Favim.com.