Like an office deadline looming in red, a man’s want for a woman to orgasm during sex can change from a well-intentioned desire to an unflinching demand and backfire if not orchestrated correctly. Sure, we ladies feel arousal in our sexy parts, but so much of what turns us on actually takes place in the brain (I won’t ask you to admit what you’ve pictured to “get there” before). The dance into dirty talk over dinner, the brushing of body parts down the street, a head placed in a lap laying in a park and feeling each other’s body heat, hands gliding under clothes in public. As Carrie Bradshaw once said: “Everything is foreplay.” Such buildup–leading to taking out your keys and unlocking the apartment door to what awaits–is the blueprint for an orgasm.
Many women, myself included, have told their partners that they don’t need to come every time to enjoy sex. There’s truth to this; it can be great without it, and for many of us it’s correct that getting off, especially solely through intercourse is difficult. Still, I’m calling bullshit. Everyone wants an orgasm, and thank you to the men who encourage us to get there. There are exceptions (I’ve had male friends admit they’ve faked it) but it’s safe to say the male orgasm is a surer bet than the female, and research indicates plenty seem to enjoy “come for me baby…” whispered into their ears as they’re about to release. Unfortunately, the same verbal encouragement can backfire when given to women during sex. This is because such words as “Are you close?” repeated when you’re going down on a chick can lead to feeling pressured, which can lead to stress… which can lead to faking it. You can get away with faking it maybe once, new into a relationship, but if you make a habit of it you’re doomed for eternity. (Okay, perhaps not doomed, but you’re going to have to continue faking it under the illusion that your partner knows how to get you off or come clean that you’ve been lying for the duration of the romance.) Honesty and communication are essential to any successful relationship and that includes during sex.
I get why men want women to get off during sex. To start, it’s super hot to watch a chick come, not to mention the contractions and the increased wetness (Hint: how to tell she’s not faking). Also, it makes them feel like they’re good in bed. Okay, okay, perhaps some of them do actually care about their partner’s sexual happiness and health. Well then, let’s make this happen, more female orgasms! How not to do it: “Come for me, come for me, are you close? Are you close? Did you come?” Ugh. Okay, I am being harsh. These can be warranted questions, like when it appears an orgasm is building or just occurred. Just don’t be pushy about it so you don’t scare us into faking one or even worse, we fake it to just shut you up. The best orgasms I have had during sex have been when I’m in a highly turned-on state with someone I’m comfortable with, so rather than ask repeatedly if a woman is close, might I suggest following some of the ideas below next time around.
As touched upon before, while hot and quick spontaneous sex can be great, for orgasms, time and foreplay matter. Draw it out. From putting an arm around a woman, to the way her nipples respond, to how she likes oral sex, pay attention to how her body reacts. Women can be shy about this stuff, so I hope I didn’t scare you into thinking you can’t talk at all. You should absolutely be having conversations about what both of you like and don’t like. An orgasm is a release and the buildup is key, so draw it out and take you time. Another key component is relaxation. That’s why feeling pressured into orgasm can be such a literal boner killer. It does the opposite. It’s a cliche sex tip straight out of Cosmo but it works: add massages into foreplay for ultra-relaxation (especially if you’re going to try anal!)
PS : A note to women… It is always okay to use your hands to help yourself out down there during sex. You know what I mean.
Photo courtesy of Nymphomaniac