Robin Thicke Writes 14 Whatever Songs To Make Up For His Wayward Dick

July 9, 2014 • Music

Sure you’ve all heard about it. Robin Thicke did some alleged screwin’ around and then got the boot from the wifey (good on you, girl), Paula Patton. There’s only so much Miley Cyrus-stage-groping, Emily Wat-ta-tow-kow-ski whatever tit-shaking a girl can handle. Locks were changed, phone calls ignored, you know, BREAKUPS. And so Robin Thicke did what every boy I ever dumped did for me (HAAAAAAA), wrote an album about it. It’s called Paula. Every song on it is dedicated to her. And that is weird.

Alright, to be fair, most albums are directed at someone in particular, or at least a certain time in a musician’s (does Robin Thicke count as one?) life, which, surely, certain people are inherently attached to. What’s different about Paula is that it’s called Paula, and every creepo lyric can be pointed in her direction. So instead of placing myself within the narrative and letting “Lock the Door” remind me of that dude who threatened that “No one will ever love you as much as I loved you” (it’s true, Kevin Leisman, you were right!) while I dumped him on the phone whilst chewing a banana on my kitchen counter, I’ve got to think of poor real Paula instead, dialing 911 as Robin Thicke makes his way up their driveway like a scene out of movie Fear from the ‘90s, starring Mark Wahlberg pounding away on his chest like a passionate, testosterone-fueled psycho ape.

And so, because I’ve been left with no other alternatives but to view this album through the insane prism that is Robin Thicke’s backtracking, remorseful mind, I’ve made an review of the album, each song a rated between 1 to 10 on the chances that it will win her back. Note: This is an incomplete review, as the writer is going off of the 1-minute snippets offered by iTunes, as she did not want to spend the money to purchase the album itself.

1. “You’re My Fantasy”

Independent of Thicke being every monogamous woman’s marriageable nightmare, dude tries his hand at a sexy calypso (not positive this is the correct reference, but I don’t write for Pitchfork so get out of here) tune, with a nice “please please please” for begging emphasis. Though I’ve got a serious problem with “touch me, you’re my fantasy” line. If Thicke wants Paula back, he better be doing a lot more of the heavy lifting if you know what I mean.

Score: 0/10

2. “Get Her Back”

All the regrets he’s ever had, like yelling and generally asking her to do stuff. I’ve broken up with plenty of guys for asking me to open my own doors, chew my own food, and pay my cell bill. All men, take note… lest you find yourself writing your ex an album apologizing for that time you forced her to go on a road trip to Phoenix with your sister who never shuts up. Lesson learned.

[Note: Video below is highly disturbing and not for small children.]

Score: 7/10

3. “Still Madly Crazy”

“Try not to show it. I just can’t control it. I’m still crazy for you.” Pretty sure this album is proof positive you’re not trying very hard. While the song itself is perfectly lovely (piano vibes!), given his clearly obsessive mental state and what is likely to be court-mandated restraining orders in the next few weeks, I would stay away from easily misconstrued words like “psycho,” “maddening,” “lunatic,” “fucking nuts,” and “crazy” for the time being.
Score: 5/10

4. “Lock the Door”

Totally into this gospel shtick, which remind me of this movie I watched when I was little on the Disney Channel. Think it starred a young Lukas Haas but I can’t be sure. It was the same time Alan and Naomi came out. I’m always mixing them up. What I am sure of is not following a track called “Still Madly Crazy” with “Lock the Door.”

Score: 3/10

5. “Whatever I Want”

Misery’s dance track! Ready to remixed for a club-worthy banger.

Score: 3/10

6. “Living In New York City”

“I gotta stay out all night, so you can find me.” Feels like Thicke is enjoying his break from the old ball and chain. Gets into some major Stevie Wonder, let’s-have-a-horn-section vibes. Sounds like he’ll recover from the heartbreak. I understand they needed an upbeat single from this pile of Paula garb, but sends a mixed signal to his ex.

Score: 0/10

7. “Love Can Grow Back”

No comment on this aside from the line, “new new new new nails on my back,” as a clever phrase advocating sex and manicures.

Score: 4/10

8. “Black Tar Cloud”

Documents his lover’s overdose. I think. Again, I don’t work at Pitchfork so leave me alone. When I’ve ever had to eat a big shit sandwich at the end of a relationship, the last thing I do is air the other person’s dirty laundry, especially when it’s been a heroin problem, which is, like, you know, always.

Score: -7/10

9. “Too Little Too Late”

Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man. Remorse to an upbeat track. Nice juxtaposition of shame and loss that you can get down to. I kept waiting for Britney Spears to get in on this for the chorus.

Score: 9/10

10. “Tippy Toes”

Reminds me of an ad for Gain laundry detergent. This one is so saccharine I feel like he’s talking about a little daughter or something, not an estranged wife, who apparently dances on her tippy tippy tippy toes.

Score: 1/10

11. “Something Bad”

With a voice that sounds like he’s been drinking grape-flavored Dimetapp all night (and with backup vocals that remind me of some ‘90s Paula Abdul business), Thicke has a moment of clarity and honesty, where he cops to having a rotten core. Girls love rotten cores. Even if it doesn’t work on Paula, he’ll be sure to rebound with someone convinced she can fix him.

Score: 5/5

12: “The Opposite of Me”

“All she needs is something that I just can’t give.” Yo, bro, you just spent 11 songs to get to the place where you’re all like, “Hey, I’m not the dude you need, find someone else.”

Score: -2/10

13. “Time of Your Life” Thicke tries his hand at “Mambo Number 5.” Need a little Paula in my life…

Score: 1/10

14. “Forever Love”

Sorry, I was unable to review this song because I couldn’t hear it over my own whoops of joy for having survived these 14 barely-listenable tracks of garb.

Score: Divorce fo sho.

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