I Don’t Believe Your Ex Was “Crazy”

I’ve heard “we broke up because she was psycho” exactly one million times. Was she? Did she have multiple personalities and try to kill you? Did she create a fake Facebook account and flirt with you to test your loyalty, and when you agreed to meet up with the fake flirt, she showed up with your dead cat on her head that she made into a Davy Crockett hat? No? Well, then stop it. Stop blaming your inability to have a healthy relationship on the women you date. It’s you. You are the problem, guy.

I don’t like men who are obsessed with being the “alpha male.” The self-professed alpha males I’ve come across are either misogynists or murderers (Elliot Rodger, the guy who shot those people in Santa Barbara, claimed to be an alpha male in one of his videos, so there’s that). I’ve heard the rumors of myself being labeled “crazy” or a “bitch” because I stopped being interested the guy I was dating. Just because I didn’t act in a way you liked, doesn’t mean I’m a stupid bitch. “Crazy” just waves away any behavior that wasn’t in line with what the guy had in mind. It’s extremely vague and can be applied to just about any scenario.

I’m not saying there aren’t any crazy bitches out there. I had a boyfriend who received hundreds of voicemails from a woman he hung out with once. She would call him nonstop, and at first I assumed he just didn’t tell her about me, but then he let me listen to the voicemails. She would leave 4 minute-long messages (the max allotted) apologizing for calling, and then explaining her past and why “everything’s not her fault” and then ask him to be cool with her. She would talk about people who he didn’t know and then say she wanted him to be really happy with his new girlfriend. This went on for about six months. CLEARLY she was mentally ill and had issues. So, yeah, “crazy” here is probably appropriate.

Labeling a woman as a lunatic is the easy way out.  Until the 20th century, women would be professionally diagnosed as “hysterical.” If a woman would not comply with her husband or was depressed or anxious, a male doctor would tell her husband, “This bitch is cray,” and they would move on. Okay, they didn’t say that, but imagine a doctor in the 1900s saying “cray.” Like, “Sir, I’m sorry that your wife is having outbursts and won’t have sex with you, she’s just come down with what we call ‘cray.’”

Diminishing a woman’s issues and worries without considering them as being even remotely valid made things a lot easier in the 1900s. It’s kiiiiiiinda still like that today. Men try to absolve themselves from any responsibility for the demise of the relationship by calling their exes crazy.  You’ve heard it, I’ve heard it, we’ve all heard it.

Personally, I’ve been told, “It’s scary that you can’t even see how crazy you’re acting right now.” To me, that was similar to hearing “calm down,” which we all know works great! No, it doesn’t. I can’t think of anything other than “calm down” that makes me more agitated. Actually, I can: Those “Keep Calm and Blah Blah” posters. Man, I really hate those.

The term “crazy” is thrown around so much today that it’s almost lost its meaning. But, it has not lost meaning for the women who are called crazy. When we’re called crazy, we question our lives, our thoughts, our purposes, basically everything. There’s no nice way of telling someone they’re crazy. It always has a negative connotation when a man uses it towards a woman. “Crazy” has a very long-term impact. It’s hurtful. It means you’re calling us irrational and hysterical.

Men are constantly labeling women as crazy, but also pride themselves on finding a woman who isn’t crazy. Most of the time, the issue where women are considered crazy is not even an issue at all; it’s actually something the woman did that the man didn’t like. If you want a woman to be accountable for whatever action it was that upset you, then find a constructive way of addressing the problem rather than throwing in the towel and going for the cheap shot.

Women’s emotions are constantly being monitored and judged by men. They want us to be mature, sweet, and quiet, yet call us crazy the minute we do something they don’t like. It’s fucking stupid. When I hear a guy call his ex “crazy” I just assume he was the asshole in the relationship and don’t judge until I hear both sides.

  • Forever_In_Trains

    Can I get an amen?

  • Michael Thomas

    “Fella stop acting crazy, yourself” — could be a whole other conversation.

  • william penney

    “When I hear a guy call his ex “crazy” I just assume he was the asshole
    in the relationship and don’t judge until I hear both sides.”

    “I just assume he was the asshole
    in the relationship and don’t judge until I hear both sides.”

    “I just assume he was the asshole
    in the relationship and don’t judge”

    “I just assume…and don’t judge”

    Oh my God. I’m choking on irony.

    • Don’t judge HER… but yeah, most of the time when a guy claims his ex was crazy, he was the crazy one.

      • william penney

        Oh yes. Don’t judge her. Only the guy. Got it. Good. Fair.

        • Joe

          There aren’t many people who can weigh in on this with an unbiased opinion. But the writer of this article has some sexist undertones towards men.

  • ted

    I like “wacky”. It’s more of a light, fun term, and not judgemental.

  • Chaaaaaaaaz!!

    So is this the new “C-word” for women to get offended by, because I’m kinda not tired of the old one. ALL RIGHT, THAT’S IT FOR ME! BE GOOD EVERYBODY!!

  • Miguel Rodriguez

    One of the scariest things, for me, is that it’s actually seeped into the general feminine consciousness. I don’t know how many times I’ve heard women echo the sentiment that “all women are crazy”. The idea has been touted so often that women have started to think of themselves as crazy. It’s really sad.

  • Uniscorn

    “Did she create a fake Facebook account and flirt with you to test your loyalty, and when you agreed to meet up with the fake flirt, she showed up with your dead cat on her head that she made into a Davy Crockett hat?”

    Still a better love story than Twilight.

  • Donavon Bray

    Had a really long comment on here, but long story short, I think you’re an amazing writer and you provide a much needed point of view from the female perspective.
    Congratulations on your success, fuck anyone who tries to put you down, and continue being awesome!