Maybe She’s Born With It, Maybe It’s Drug Addiction: A Beauty Guide!

September 17, 2014 • Beauty

NOTE: This piece is 100% satirical and is in no way intended to diminish the individual needs of people with ADD and ADHD and those who otherwise benefit from the doctor-prescribed use of Adderall. It is, however, poking light fun of people who abuse these pills recreationally. And, then again, no real offense to them either. If you or someone you know has a real problem, find out more about how to help them here.

So it’s been awhile since my last “MSBWIMIDA.” My apologies. I’ve been building wells for thirsty kids in foreign countries. Okay, so, not really. My rich grandmother has not died yet and I do not have the luxury of being independently wealthy and frivolously helpful on, like, a Princess Di scale. What I have been doing is trying to cover my New York City rent writing for .02 per word, which means I need to write 1.2 million words by the end of the year to cover the cost, which, is like, going off of average length of each piece, about 2,400 blog posts for various outlets I don’t even have the access to yet. That’s about 6.5 posts per day, including weekends, which I’m pretty sure is entirely unsustainable and the idea of it sort of gives me an acute panic attack. Like WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE RIGHT NOW? It’s the sort of panic attack when you realize that everything your mom ever said about business school is true and you should have gone back and finished at Stern even though you know in your heart of hearts you are absolute shit at math and decent enough at words. Which brings me to… ADDERALL.

I figured since we’d covered heroin, coke, meth, and other things that will surely land you in jail or rehab, it was time to dip into pharmies, because that’s where it’s at with my generation, anyway. EVERYONE LOVES CONTROL. There’s no surprises, no bunk, no ripping a massive line off of a stranger’s pant leg and going, “Hey, dude, I don’t think that’s coke,” before you stumble out the door, your legs under the vice grip of an accidental k-hole. Who wants that? No one. Unless you do, in which case, you should probably read my previous articles (here, here, and here).

Because I don’t want to not practice what I preach, I popped some pills about an hour ago and decided to dive headlong into these recommendations. I mean, it’s also because I have about 10,000 more words to write today so I can pay for my dinner later BUT it is also so I can best and most honestly serve you, my readers.

Herewith, your beauty guide. I’ll try to make this as obnoxiously verbose as possible, because the endless, rapid stream of words going on in my head right now is like goddamn Niagara Falls. There is no stopping it. Bear with me.

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Aveeno® Ultra-Calming Daily Moisturizer Spf 15

One of the pitfalls of this shit is that you CAN’T. JUST. BREATHE. It’s like someone turns your motor on and you just GO GO GO, which is great when you’re working with deadlines, but not so great when you’re walking behind some tourist in Soho who has apparently just learned how to use their legs and is in desperate contemplation as to whether or not to step into the ZARA on Broadway. Instead of getting all uncharmingly rage-facey, I like to use a little preventative Aveeno Ultra-Calming Daily Moisturizer. It helps me chill the fuck out and put everything into perspective. Whoever coined “Patience is a virtue” was obviously a pill popper.

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Sisley Night Care Botanical Night Cream With Collagen & Woodmallow

Stimulants will suck you dry. I swear I’ve gone pee about four times since sitting down to write this. In addition to wanting to drink your bodyweight in water, you’re going to want to invest in some serious night creams to rehydrate that face from the outside in. I like Sisley’s Night Care Botanical Night Cream, but really for no other reason than it has the word “Woodmallow” in it, which sounds like something Jane Eyre used to trollop in. LOVE JANE EYRE.

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Burburry Beauty Effortless Kohl 

“Effortless” is exactly the word I’m looking for when I’m standing in front of the bathroom mirror with my hands that won’t stop shaking. This “long lasting formula glides on easily” which I hope means won’t make my eyelid look like I’m trying to cleverly recreate a seismograph on my face. Which is what happened the last time.

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John Frieda Sleek Finish Paddle Hair Brush

All that built up tension boiling inside of you, zinging around like balls in a BINGO cage—that all needs some sort of release. Maybe you bite your fingernails, maybe you’re a lip chewer. Me, personally, I tend to nervously and compulsively pull on the strands of my hair when I’m real tweaked out. If you’re like me, I suggest getting a paddle hairbrush and those locks in order, lest you start making wretched tangles that you won’t have the f’ing patience to get out later when you’re sitting upright in bed trying—and failing—to finally go to sleep.

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100% Cotton Triple Size Organic Cotton Balls

For the self-aware user, who knows that certain company just doesn’t want to hear about that time she went to Pismo Beach and went digging for clams and isn’t it amazing how the beaches in California are so much nicer than the ones on the East Coast? Isn’t it amazing? Stick these in your mouth when you’re feeling just a little too chatty. Make sure they’re organic; they’ll be in for awhile.

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