I come from a family of narcissists. My sister promotes “water fasting” as a sibling bonding activity. My mother weighs all of 90 hard-earned pounds, 45 of them dedicated to a gauche mixture of silver and gold-plated jewelry. Three Thanksgivings ago, my father asked if he could borrow some bronzer. He has since moved to Florida, and now looks perpetually filthy from spending every waking moment blotto on a beach.
“Dad,” my sister Chloe and I say gently every year and a half he bothers to see us, “you might be getting a little too tan.”
He shrugs, each malignant epidermal layer crumpling like tissue paper. “No such thing,” he says.
With such an impressive lineage, I’ve managed to manifest some unique physical neuroses of my own. The most pressing concerns vaginal musculature. No one wants to be the girl with the king-sized hoo-hoo. Here are some tips to endow your vagina the same strength as a Dyson-patented vacuum.
1) BARRE METHOD. Any good bitch knows barre is essential for a sustained eating disorder. But did you know that doctors also recommend barre to post-partum women to battle their newfound incontinence? No better way to ensure your pelvic floor is both sinewy and strong.
2) 21ST CENTURY MICTURITION. Barre is hardly enough. You need to completely rethink the way you pee. When I was young and too addicted to Adderall to even contemplate sex, pissing was a purely cathartic experience and an easy way to lose three pounds in half a minute. Now peeing has become an impossibly time-consuming affair, with a stop and go every other second.
3) JUST SQUEEZE. SQUEEZE ALL THE F*$KING TIME. Kegels should hardly be limited to the bathroom. Everywhere you go, do a pussy-crunch or twenty. I’m doing them right now.
So if you’re feeling a little loosey-goosey, just change up your bathroom routine and hit the gym more. With a little dedication, you can even convince new partners that you’re a virgin.
Photo courtesy of Fitfrosting.wordpress.com.