Insomniac Relationship Revelations Vol. III

December 5, 2014 • Love & Sex

Insomniac relationship revelations are back with a new relationship and multiple bottles of sleeping pills I’ve blown through. In this edition, we’re going to focus on that boring bass player of the homo sapien band: The straight male.

  1. Sex sex sex. Words are great (trust me, I’m a writer) but the most crucial form of love expression is bonding through fluids.
  2. Give him time with his friends. It’s not an excuse to pull away or be distant, but think of it like this: The more space you give him now the longer you’ll be together in the long run.
  3. Compliment his cock. If he’s got a giant penis, tell him. If he’s got an average one, lie.
  4. Don’t look through that phone. I’m so devoted to my partner I frequently blurt out at inappropriate times I want to have his babies (oops) but despite all that true love flowing through my veins if he were to sniff through my Facebook messages he’d see a harmless hello from an ex-boyfriend and some mild flirtation from some random Twitter friend. Does it mean anything? Absolutely not. Would I act upon either? Don’t even think about it. Am I sure I would find similar content in his? Absolutely. Jealousy sucks and we’re all entitled to our privacy, don’t go there. If you’re worried about someone cheating the absolute worst thing you can do is start nagging them for shit as pointless as a text message. If something is going on that’s threatening your relationship, have faith that the truth will come out, it always does.
  5. Let him look at other women. Looking at other women is as natural for straight men as farting. The same etiquette applies, it’s best not to embarrass them by making a big deal of it and if they’re a gentlemen they’ll do it discretely.
  6. Let the small stuff go. Dan Savage once wrote that they key to a successful marriage was choosing your battles. The same applies to potentially shorter relationships.
  7. Let him watch porn. I’ll be yelling this one from the grave: Watching. Porn. Is. Not. Cheating! It’s fantastic! If you catch your dude admiring Tori Black’s deepthroat abilities don’t get jealous, jump in bed and join him.
  8. Encouragement. Men’s emotional needs are less complicated than women’s. Keep him laid and feeling like the hardworking guy he is, with an ego full and a ball sack drained he’ll love you forever. Yet take note from Fabulous and make him better with encouragement. Not only does loyalty and appreciation go miles, encouraging his plans and dreams let him know you’re on his team and believe in him.
  9. Don’t let yourself go. Ugh, this one. Yes I am a feminist, yes all women should wear and do whatever the fuck they want (you know, barring capital offenses). Yet we’ve gotta accept that men are visual creatures, and while everyone is entitled to lazy days if the leather pants and eye liner chick he fell in love with gains 15 lbs and spends entire weekends in a onesie he’ll likely be a little disappointed but too kind to say anything.
  10. Let him be a dude. There may come a day where you watch him bring in his computer to the bathroom to play video games while he takes a shit. Congratulations, you’re officially in a long-term relationship

Image courtesy of EOnline

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