20 Things a Bitch Better Have

November 11, 2015 • Culture

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This weekend I was hanging out with my friend’s 4-month-old. He’s real cute and seems to like the shit I’ve purchased him since he was born. Great taste, this kid. And while today he’s here with his toothless smiles and giggles that could melt a whole vat of Denny’s breakfast butter, in the distant tomorrow he’ll be out in the world dating. Like an overprotective aunt, I feel concerned about the types of men and/or women he might be attracted to down the line. In anticipation of this future adulthood, I’ve created a list of qualities this person should have, inspired by Rihanna’s track, “Bitch Better Have My Money.” Herewith, 20 things that bitch person worthy of my friend’s kid should have. 

1. Good parents

2. Nice teeth

3. A college education

4. A fulfilling and lucrative career in the arts

5. A healthy savings account and 401k (see also: money)

6. Two types of sponges in the sink: one for dishes, one for counters

7. A non-ironic 35mm film camera

8. A Vitamix

9. A Costco card (read: sensible)

10. A mutt puppy with an extreme underbite, adopted from the pound

11. A robust knowledge of French films

12. An in-unit washer/dryer

13. A subscription to the New Yorker

14. An appreciate of Jonathan Franzen’s books and an abhorrence of his personality

15. An understanding of why New York is better than Los Angeles

16. A vocal distaste for consumption but a very well-curated wardrobe

17. Patience for old people walking down the sidewalk 

18. Nice hands

19. A country house

20. A belief in the recycling of hard and soft plastics

Tags:

  • SOLDIEROFYHVH

    Bitch, please!

Read more:
Lost Heels and Hustlers: The Summer I Discovered Cocaine and Writing in London
Polygamy, Face-F*%king, and a Very Nice Apartment

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