By now you’ve likely heard of #breadfacing, which was pioneered just 27 short weeks ago by a young Brooklyn woman (@breadfaceblogs) with an affinity for getting up-close-and-personal with all variety of starchy stuff. To the tune of ‘90s classics and more contemporary jams, each post features her, semi-anonymous and occasionally sporting erect nipples, jamming her face into bread like closed-mouthed felatio. Her nails are always shiny, her accessories on point, and the soundtrack good enough to rival Aziz Ansari’s first season of Master of None. (Shoutout to to music supervisor Zach Cowie.) Not only does @breadfaceblog appeal to fetishists of all stars and stripes, it appeals to those with a fine taste in music. If you never thought Fetty Wap and potato rolls had anything in common, you’ll find yourself sorrowly mistaken–and perhaps aroused, We’ve compiled some of our favorite musical moments in this bizarre moment in internet history. Make a Spotify playlist for your next dinner party or something.
Since its 1993 release, “Show Me Love” has served as the dance-floor anthem for the dejected and love-lorn. It took over two decades for one woman to figure out that the only relationship one needs in this world is the one she has with a four-foot long party sub.
Remember that last time you looked across the dimly bar, eyes drooping from that tequila/pain killer combo you only bring out on particularly depressive occasions, and spotted a brooding insomniac blowing lines in the corner and your heart stopped dead in its track? This one… was The One you thought. Well, it’s kind of like that, only with a biscuit.
I don’t normally associate Whitney Houston’s lithe, cracky bod with carbohydrates of any kind (unless you count Bobby Brown as a carb, in the way the two share the capability of destroying one’s life), but one could argue that replacing The Bodyguard’s (the film for which this track was featured) Kevin Costner with a three-pound seeded twist is a fair exchange.
Despite its mellow pitter patter sound and orchestral strings, Noel’s subtly maddening voice makes this 1968 track the perfect choice for anyone who feels ripe for a fun trip through an obsessive compulsive wonderland a la Girl, Interrupted. Or also for smashing your face plum into an Italian loaf.
If only challah bread loved us as much as we loved it.
For 2015’s track of the year, @breadfaceblog went with an abstract, I-only-shop-at-Whole-Foods selection: Ezekiel flax seed bread. The choice was surely appreciated by the same niche snobs that immediately got Drake’s James Turrell references in Drake’s video.
Sittin’ up in my room, back here thinking about kaiser rolls.